~ My neighbor hired Magic Mike for his kid’s birthday party. Soooo not a magician.
~ I’ve decided to start limiting myself to only one slice of pizza… by not cutting it.
~ There’s a difference between alone and lonely. And the difference is a coffeemaker.
~ Blaming your phone for typos is the new blaming your dog for farting.
~ Am I the only one that thinks State Farm sounds like a government run mental institution?
~My nickname in high school was “that dude in my English class”.
~ Have you ever wondered if maybe deer are just suicidal?
~ You could take up to 8 regular pain relievers, or you could take 2 Aleve™, OR you could just stop doin’ whatever it is that makes your back hurt.
~ I always call the cellphones of people at a funeral with me to see if anyone left their ringer on.
~ Every now and then I like to turn on EVERY LIGHT in the house and YELL… “AS A MATTER OF FACT, I DO PAY THE BILLS HERE!”
~ I was born and raised in the South, but you’d never know it from all these teeth.
~ If OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) had a dollar for every time she asked where her phone is, she probably couldn’t find them either.
~ I remember the worst part after a hurricane was wondering which neighbor would find my Polaroid collection during the clean up.
~ You never realize how much of a mess your house is until you take a picture.
~ After seeing women in the UFC, I bet domestic violence will probably take an interesting turn within five years.
~ Nothing says multiple DUIs like the guy riding his bike smoking a cigarette in 25 degree weather.
~ If someone disagrees with me I just assume they’re on drugs and move on.
~ I passed a lady walking down the street wearing a life preserver today. I’m thinking I don’t party nearly hard enough.
~ Nothing makes me more productive than the last minute.
~ So a woman loathes you for asking her age, but tortures you forever if you forget her birthday. I’ll never understand…
~ Women have tiny courtroom stenographers living in their head. And they’re ready to read back every argument and promise you’ve ever made. Verbatim.
~ My fortune cookie last night said “Please try again.” So I went back and got more food.
~ My current Google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
~ According to their web site, in order to work in the lab at Viagra headquarters, you have to be a rocket scientist.
~ Today’s workout status update: I angrily yelled at a jogger as I was leaving the donut store.
~ I changed my password to “Dentist Appt @ 3:00” JUST so I can leave it on a post-it note near my computer and still feel secure.
~ A few years ago, the Orthodontist wanted to pull my kid’s two loose baby teeth and charge me $250. I bought the biggest bag of caramels I could find for $5.
~ I learn all my new dance moves from the paternity test episodes of Maury.
~ A favorite pastime of mine is listening to polite Southern people try to describe ugly people without calling them ugly.
~ The kid keeps sending me a monthly reminder that I can buy a paternity testing kit at our local Wal*Mart.
~ If I ever get to the point where I have to ask a doctor if I’m healthy enough for sexual activity, someone just go ahead and push me in front of a bus.
~ I scream bloody murder when I get on the treadmill because I only run when I’m scared.
~ I didn’t fail at being happy. I succeeded at being miserable. It’s important to set realistic goals.
~ If you’re worried about the Hot Pocket recall, you might want to take into consideration that you’re eating a Hot Pocket in the first place.
~ Gander Mountain is selling a new tent where the instructions are just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife.