jester journals

Weird Ramblings from a Warped Mind

Weird Ramblings From A Warped Mind… 4-14-2014

~ My neighbor hired Magic Mike for his kid’s birthday party. Soooo not a magician.

~ I’ve decided to start limiting myself to only one slice of pizza… by not cutting it.

~ There’s a difference between alone and lonely. And the difference is a coffeemaker.

~ Blaming your phone for typos is the new blaming your dog for farting.

~ Am I the only one that thinks State Farm sounds like a government run mental institution?

~My nickname in high school was “that dude in my English class”.

~ Have you ever wondered if maybe deer are just suicidal?

~ You could take up to 8 regular pain relievers, or you could take 2 Aleve™, OR you could just stop doin’ whatever it is that makes your back hurt.

~ I always call the cellphones of people at a funeral with me to see if anyone left their ringer on.

~ Every now and then I like to turn on EVERY LIGHT in the house and YELL… “AS A MATTER OF FACT, I DO PAY THE BILLS HERE!”

~ I was born and raised in the South, but you’d never know it from all these teeth.

~ If OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) had a dollar for every time she asked where her phone is, she probably couldn’t find them either.

~ I remember the worst part after a hurricane was wondering which neighbor would find my Polaroid collection during the clean up.

~ You never realize how much of a mess your house is until you take a picture.

~ After seeing women in the UFC, I bet domestic violence will probably take an interesting turn within five years.

~ Nothing says multiple DUIs like the guy riding his bike smoking a cigarette in 25 degree weather.

~ If someone disagrees with me I just assume they’re on drugs and move on.

~ I passed a lady walking down the street wearing a life preserver today. I’m thinking I don’t party nearly hard enough.


~ Nothing makes me more productive than the last minute.

~ So a woman loathes you for asking her age, but tortures you forever if you forget her birthday. I’ll never understand…

~ Women have tiny courtroom stenographers living in their head. And they’re ready to read back every argument and promise you’ve ever made. Verbatim.

~ My fortune cookie last night said “Please try again.” So I went back and got more food.

~ My current Google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”

~ According to their web site, in order to work in the lab at Viagra headquarters, you have to be a rocket scientist.

~ Today’s workout status update: I angrily yelled at a jogger as I was leaving the donut store.

~ I changed my password to “Dentist Appt @ 3:00” JUST so I can leave it on a post-it note near my computer and still feel secure.

~ A few years ago, the Orthodontist wanted to pull my kid’s two loose baby teeth and charge me $250. I bought the biggest bag of caramels I could find for $5.

~ I learn all my new dance moves from the paternity test episodes of Maury.

~ A favorite pastime of mine is listening to polite Southern people try to describe ugly people without calling them ugly.

~ The kid keeps sending me a monthly reminder that I can buy a paternity testing kit at our local Wal*Mart.

~ If I ever get to the point where I have to ask a doctor if I’m healthy enough for sexual activity, someone just go ahead and push me in front of a bus.

~ I scream bloody murder when I get on the treadmill because I only run when I’m scared.

~ I didn’t fail at being happy. I succeeded at being miserable. It’s important to set realistic goals.

~ If you’re worried about the Hot Pocket recall, you might want to take into consideration that you’re eating a Hot Pocket in the first place.

~ Gander Mountain is selling a new tent where the instructions are just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife.