~ When OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) says, “Can I ask you something?” I start reevaluating every decision I’ve made for the last seven years.
~ I always throw the flower arrangements at funerals to see who’s next.
~ Don’t tell me I don’t know the difference between right and wrong. Wrong is the fun one.
~ Why is it that my windshield wiper blades only need replacing when it rains? They work fine any other time!
~ I’ve become more offended by what passes for news in this country than what is considered pornography.
~ Not to brag, but I wasn’t the homeliest person at the social security office today.
~ I’d go on a diet but I just got a really good deal on a used pair of sweatpants.
~ My goal is to be such a procrastinator that I never die.
~ At least 97% off all time spent at the gym is untangling ear bud cords.
~ Yes, I guess I am condescending. But I’m surprised you even know what that word means.
~ I’m playing hard to get anywhere in life.
~ As a woman, OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) enjoys sharing her feelings. All of them. Every single feeling. Everrrr…
~ I always try to wave at my life as its passing me by.
~ I don’t always hate kids, but when I do, it’s because their parents SUCK at doing their jobs.
~ I’m actually a pretty nice guy once you get away from me.
~ Yes… we could sit here all day arguing about the fact I took a 5 hour nap, but I’m going to bed.
~ I’m married… so I can be autocorrected even when my phone is off.
~ Only an amateur needs to be drunk to be disorderly.
~ I’m one of those people that shouldn’t keep alcohol in the house. Or chocolate. Or cheese. Basically anything you can eat or drink.
~ Mixing Mountain Dew with Moonshine gives you the urge to hit on your relatives… even if you aren’t from West Virginia.
~ One man’s trash is my new couch.
~ I hate when I am having one of those “bad hair” lives.
~ I walked in on my cat laying down eating out of her food bowl and I immediately became jealous.
~ Where do I apply to be a hamburger helper? That sounds right up my alley.
~ I like to live life to the foolest.
~ My five year plan doesn’t necessarily include consecutive years.
~ I swear… you miss twenty three family functions, and all of a sudden everyone’s “worried about you.”
~ I’m not very good at taking compliments. Fortunately, this is SELDOM an issue.
~ This month has proven that the North won the Civil War ONLY because the South got a half-inch of snow and completely lost their minds…
~ ‘You’re once, twice, three times a ladyyyy’, I sing as she puts on her XXXL sweatpants.
~ I remember, growing up, I once got a check for $1 from the Tooth Fairy… and had to hold it until the end of the month.
~ Can we just give China $20,000,000,000,000 in Kohl’s Cash and call it even?
~ I wish there was a Drano for the thoughts that clog my mind.
~ I wouldn’t say I’m a professional, but I will say I’ve got this butthead thing down to a science.
~ WOW! I slept for so long I had to check the day of the week.
~ Wind chimes… because I want my neighbors to hate me as much as I hate them.
~ If I was a Superhero, I would be “Not Right Now” man.
~ It never fails. I find it so annoying when I’ve had a big argument with someone and then hours later… BAM… I think of a way better place I could’ve dumped their body.