~ You probably won’t think I’m so bad when I’m gone.
~ I find suggested serving sizes so adorable.
~ Man. I really screwed that up. (Me, every 5-7 minutes).
~ My birthstone is Vicodin.
~ I’m a victim of my own stupidity.
~ I’ve never pronounced the word “giblet” in a way that I’m comfortable with.
~ My dance style ranges from white dad at a BBQ to stripper whose rent is due tomorrow.
~ What are those people called that can eat whatever they want and not gain weight? Oh yea, buttheads.
~ If the engine light in your car stays on so long that the bulb burns out… does that mean your car is fixed?
~ I watched the Westminster Dog Show this year and my credit score improved 100 points. Coincidence?
~ I won’t rock the boat. I’ll sit on the dock with my Jack and Coke…
watching as you sink that ship yourself.
~ Friends don’t let friends have friends who shouldn’t be their friends.
~ You have two options when I’m grilling… Raw or Cremated.
~ I stay in the doghouse so much that when people come over I don’t know if I should sniff their butt or shake their hand.
~ I make a lot of folks’ day by not being there.
~ As I age, I no longer get mad… I get creatively motivated in my pursuit of getting even.
~ My level of ‘I don’t give a dayum’ is somewhere between an 8 and this guy wearing Tinker Bell pajama bottoms in this Wal*Mart.
~ Never trust a lawyer conducts his business from a beeper… unless you enjoy going to jail.
~ So this morning OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) informed me that… “Runnin’ your mouth isn’t gonna make you lose any weight.”
~ Our home Wi-Fi is spotty… and by spotty I mean my neighbor routinely changes the password.
~ You know those self cleaning ovens? I’d like one for the whole house.
~ I learned today that kale isn’t just for decorating.
~ I can’t believe I’m the only one that can just sit for a few hours and think about how cool Ziploc bags are.
~ I’m just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in the check-out line at Wal*Mart.
~ I can tell I’m getting older when I take note of how many young people’s haircuts piss me off.
~ I’m white… but I’m not Betty White.
~ Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested? I’ve been telling a LOT of people.
~ Never take my advice… because it seldom works for me either.
~ OK… there really IS a reason for the warning label of not mixing meds with alcohol.
~ I’m the guy standing in front of you wearing pajama pants and slippers with 73 coupons and the cashier is an old lady. Yeah, I’m that guy.
~ If you go to a party at a house with a couch and grill on the front porch, just be aware the cops are gonna show up at some point.
~ I went to my self-esteem workshop class yesterday. We made a paper bags with the eyes cut out.
~ I’m wearing pink today to support anti-bullying. Well, technically it’s a pink thong because I accidentally washed it with my reds socks.
~ There was a girl at the Golden Corral who was running buffalo wings under the chocolate fountain… so I just went back to my table and sat quietly.
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) and I compromise all the time. She gets her way… I learn to live with it.
~ I’m “my body sounds like Rice Krispies” years old.