jester journals

Weird Ramblings from a Warped Mind


Weird Ramblings From A Warped Mind… 3-28-2014

~ You probably won’t think I’m so bad when I’m gone.

~ I find suggested serving sizes so adorable.

~ Man. I really screwed that up. (Me, every 5-7 minutes).

~ My birthstone is Vicodin.

~ I’m a victim of my own stupidity.

~ I’ve never pronounced the word “giblet” in a way that I’m comfortable with.

~ My dance style ranges from white dad at a BBQ to stripper whose rent is due tomorrow.

~ What are those people called that can eat whatever they want and not gain weight? Oh yea, buttheads.

~ If the engine light in your car stays on so long that the bulb burns out… does that mean your car is fixed?

~ I watched the Westminster Dog Show this year and my credit score improved 100 points. Coincidence?

~ I won’t rock the boat. I’ll sit on the dock with my Jack and Coke…
watching as you sink that ship yourself.

~ Friends don’t let friends have friends who shouldn’t be their friends.

~ You have two options when I’m grilling… Raw or Cremated.

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~ I stay in the doghouse so much that when people come over I don’t know if I should sniff their butt or shake their hand.

~ I make a lot of folks’ day by not being there.

~ As I age, I no longer get mad… I get creatively motivated in my pursuit of getting even.

~ My level of ‘I don’t give a dayum’ is somewhere between an 8 and this guy wearing Tinker Bell pajama bottoms in this Wal*Mart.

~ Never trust a lawyer conducts his business from a beeper… unless you enjoy going to jail.

~ So this morning OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) informed me that… “Runnin’ your mouth isn’t gonna make you lose any weight.”

~ Our home Wi-Fi is spotty… and by spotty I mean my neighbor routinely changes the password.

~ You know those self cleaning ovens? I’d like one for the whole house.

~ I learned today that kale isn’t just for decorating.

~ I can’t believe I’m the only one that can just sit for a few hours and think about how cool Ziploc bags are.

~ I’m just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in the check-out line at Wal*Mart.

~ I can tell I’m getting older when I take note of how many young people’s haircuts piss me off.

~ I’m white… but I’m not Betty White.

~ Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested? I’ve been telling a LOT of people.

~ Never take my advice… because it seldom works for me either.

~ OK… there really IS a reason for the warning label of not mixing meds with alcohol.

~ I’m the guy standing in front of you wearing pajama pants and slippers with 73 coupons and the cashier is an old lady. Yeah, I’m that guy.

~ If you go to a party at a house with a couch and grill on the front porch, just be aware the cops are gonna show up at some point.

~ I went to my self-esteem workshop class yesterday. We made a paper bags with the eyes cut out.

~ I’m wearing pink today to support anti-bullying. Well, technically it’s a pink thong because I accidentally washed it with my reds socks.

~ There was a girl at the Golden Corral who was running buffalo wings under the chocolate fountain… so I just went back to my table and sat quietly.

~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) and I compromise all the time. She gets her way… I learn to live with it.

~ I’m “my body sounds like Rice Krispies” years old.

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