~ I see your kid is an honor student… so maybe HE can teach you to park BETWEEN the lines.
~ I’ve often been described as “not allowed at this buffet anymore.”
~ I may not be many things, but a butthead is definitely one of them.
~ If you force me to choose sides, I’ll always go with potato salad and baked beans.
~ I remember when parties started at nine and went until six. Now, they start at six and end at nine.
~ A Five-hour energy drink is too much energy for me. I only need, like, 30 minutes… so I can take a shower.
~ I don’t know what the opposite of talented is called, but I sure know what it feels like.
~ I can normally smile when things go wrong because I normally have someone in mind to blame.
~ If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares… then why is there a song about it?
~ You make me want to be a better person, no… wait… false alarm.
~ We’re not promised tomorrow… so you should eat as much bacon as you can today.
~ All my good decisions are accidents.
~ “Your Parents told me they were going to get a divorce if you don’t shut the heck up.” … Me if I was a kindergarten teacher.
~ I’m always hoping I win some raffle that I forgot I entered.
~ I am Man, hear me “Huh?”
~ I’m old enough to know better, but will always be young enough to not care.
~ I try to be condescending to an ignorant person every day.
~ Has it ever occurred to you that you can substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows… verbatim.
~ I’ve known folks that have been one toke over the line for years.
~ I speak sarcasm like I learned it from Rosetta Stone.
~ I strive to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.
~ I’m only creepy because I’m unattractive.
~ My nickname should be debt because no matter how hard you try you can’t get rid of me.
~ I really miss the person I used to think I was.
~ The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
~ I never make plans unless I have a plan in place for getting out of them.
~ Ever been one Reese’s Cup away from unlocking a sugar buzz that’ll have you riding a unicycle while tying balloon animals?
~ My former job wouldn’t have been so bad if I could have just mastered how to sleep with my eyes open.
~ Having a potato salad recipe is not a “family secret.” Your Uncle Ray who cooks meth in his singlewide trailer… THAT is a family secret.
~ If I gain anymore weight I’ll be my own “Plus 1.”
~ Do not take Chantix if you’re depressed… have ever watched CSI Miami… if you sleep on your back or side… like kittens…
~ I’m the reason they have to put directions on the shampoo bottle.
~ Does anyone know what wine goes with Cheerios and a can of frosting?
~ I got followed by a Mental Health Organization, just in case you wanted to know how much help I apparently need.
~ I always think I’ve won the argument if I walk away mumbling “no, you are.”
~ You can’t break that which is already broken.
~ I used a Gap bag instead of the usual Wal*Mart bag to line the bathroom wastebasket and I think it really classed the place up.
~ If you can’t handle me at my worst, well then join the club.
~ There’s a history of substance abuse and sexual deviance in my family. I started it. Everyone needs a legacy.