~ I maintain my current weight so I’m harder to kidnap.
~ Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
~ Any piece of furniture I don’t recognize, I immediately file under “maybe that’s what an armoire is.”
~ I’m at my most gangsta when the minivan is packed with my posse, that radio is cranked, and we ain’t even caring about Target’s speed bumps.
~ This whole expecting the best in people really isn’t working out for me.
~ Maybe serial killers are just normal people who had a former boss like mine.
~ Not sure I want to live long enough to end up back in diapers.
~ My whole life feels like when you wave at someone who was waving at someone behind you.
~ You know what’s wrong with the Internet? Me.
~ Overdraft fees are the reason I always root for the bank robbers.
~ Why is it so hard to start a sing-a-long in a public restroom?
~ I wonder how “Caution-hot” is written in Braille?
~ Every day of my life forces me to add another name to the list of people who can just kiss my butt.
~ Although I’m old enough to know better, I’m not old enough to know that I’m old enough to know better, so let’s go for it.
~ Why can’t people use question marks properly.
~ If I’m the smartest person in the room, I’m in the wrong room.
~ I have many chances to make a worse impression.
~ None of this would have happened if I had just forwarded that chain email that was sent to me years ago.
~ Happiness is using an ATM and finding a receipt left by someone with an account balance lower than mine.
~ Like I always say, if I want something done properly I pay someone else to do it because I’m an idiot.
~ I think people would probably like me more if I were someone else.
~ I like doing nothing too much to be able to have time for other stuff.
~ I think my days are backwards. I wake up tired and go to bed wide-awake.
~ There is no fun in doing nothing when you have nothing to do.
~ I come from a long line of buttheads, so please don’t question my authenticity.
~ Why does life keep teaching me lessons I have no desire to learn?
~ I’m the kind of guy every woman is looking for… you know in that line-up thingy.
~ I’d be getting so much more work done today if I weren’t on this computer… or had a job.
~ I flexed in the mirror today and my reflection laughed at me and walked away.
~ I’ve often wondered why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
~ I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.
~ If you think my ramblings on here are retarded, imagine what OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) goes through.
~ Mexican priests vow to follow strict diet of holy guacamole.
~ I have enough money to see me through the rest of my life… if I die next week.
~ I once dated a girl whose breath was so bad I looked forward to her farts.
~ I’ve been ignorant for the better part of 50 years. When do I experience bliss?
~ Nothing is impossible for those who don’t have to do it.
~ I like to call McDonald’s to make a reservation, just to listen to the stammering and confusion from the kid answering the phone.
~ When we got married, OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
~ I speak my mind, but sometimes I get carried away… to the psych ward.