jester journals

Weird Ramblings from a Warped Mind


Weird Ramblings From A Warped Mind… 3-17-2014

~ I maintain my current weight so I’m harder to kidnap.

~ Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.

~ Any piece of furniture I don’t recognize, I immediately file under “maybe that’s what an armoire is.”

~ I’m at my most gangsta when the minivan is packed with my posse, that radio is cranked, and we ain’t even caring about Target’s speed bumps.

~ This whole expecting the best in people really isn’t working out for me.

~ Maybe serial killers are just normal people who had a former boss like mine.

~ Not sure I want to live long enough to end up back in diapers.

~ My whole life feels like when you wave at someone who was waving at someone behind you.

~ You know what’s wrong with the Internet? Me.

~ Overdraft fees are the reason I always root for the bank robbers.

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~ Why is it so hard to start a sing-a-long in a public restroom?

~ I wonder how “Caution-hot” is written in Braille?

~ Every day of my life forces me to add another name to the list of people who can just kiss my butt.

~ Although I’m old enough to know better, I’m not old enough to know that I’m old enough to know better, so let’s go for it.

~ Why can’t people use question marks properly.

~ If I’m the smartest person in the room, I’m in the wrong room.

~ I have many chances to make a worse impression.

~ None of this would have happened if I had just forwarded that chain email that was sent to me years ago.

~ Happiness is using an ATM and finding a receipt left by someone with an account balance lower than mine.

~ Like I always say, if I want something done properly I pay someone else to do it because I’m an idiot.

~ I think people would probably like me more if I were someone else.

~ I like doing nothing too much to be able to have time for other stuff.

~ I think my days are backwards. I wake up tired and go to bed wide-awake.

~ There is no fun in doing nothing when you have nothing to do.

~ I come from a long line of buttheads, so please don’t question my authenticity.

~ Why does life keep teaching me lessons I have no desire to learn?

~ I’m the kind of guy every woman is looking for… you know in that line-up thingy.

~ I’d be getting so much more work done today if I weren’t on this computer… or had a job.

~ I flexed in the mirror today and my reflection laughed at me and walked away.

~ I’ve often wondered why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

~ I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.

~ If you think my ramblings on here are retarded, imagine what OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) goes through.

~ Mexican priests vow to follow strict diet of holy guacamole.

~ I have enough money to see me through the rest of my life… if I die next week.

~ I once dated a girl whose breath was so bad I looked forward to her farts.

~ I’ve been ignorant for the better part of 50 years. When do I experience bliss?

~ Nothing is impossible for those who don’t have to do it.

~ I like to call McDonald’s to make a reservation, just to listen to the stammering and confusion from the kid answering the phone.

~ When we got married, OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.

~ I speak my mind, but sometimes I get carried away… to the psych ward.

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