~ I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
~ The two rules for being a good neighbor: 1. MIND YOUR OWN DAMN BUSINESS 2. Don’t forget rule number one.
~ Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
~ Years ago I slept with a woman who had a Coke bottle figure. Unfortunately, she was a 3-liter.
~ Justin Beiber has 23 million followers and I just got unfollowed by a knitting magazine.
~ Most meth cooks start by clicking on an ad to make $500-$800 a day working from home.
~ Some people don’t realize how grateful they should be that I’m not allowed to legally carry a sword in public.
~ I hate how every single day my former boss just keeps waking up!
~ Whenever I trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra, I feel like I’m doing God’s work.
~ I sooo did not want to go on a run today… but those cops came out of nowhere.
~ If you’re easily offended I’m gonna have a field day.
~ We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a handrail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
~ My mind is always on fast forward while my body is in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync with the picture.
~ I saw that our neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about some creepy guy and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
~ I went into a public restroom and found a sign that read “THINK” on the mirror above the sink… so I wrote “THOAP” over the soap dispenser to match it before I left.
~ So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
~ I frequently catch myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
~ Do you recall ever meeting one of my ex-wives? Exactly…
~ In elementary school I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Went on a dry spell for years after that… just me and my crayons.
~ I’m not sure if OWN’s (‘Ol Weird Nancy’s) cooking skills have improved or if my taste buds have just adapted.
~ Everyone complains about immigration until they’re searching their city for a decent taco.
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I mounted in the kitchen.
~ If my calculations are correct, then someone else did them for me.
~ Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
~ I just called up the cable company and put them on hold. Every 5 minutes I come on and tell them how important their business is to me. And to please hold.
~ The absolute coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
~ If you take all of the marshmallows out of a box of Lucky Charms you are left with a box of Purina cat chow.
~ I spent $100 at Whole Foods today… so this better be a damn good bag of Almonds.
~ The best friendships are the sick ones.
~ I checked my account balance at the ATM today… and it printed me a coupon for Ramen Noodles.
~ Sometimes when conversations get quiet I announce that I’m potty trained now.
~ My new political party is ‘common sense’
~ The expert in anything was once a beginner.
~ We have reached that time of the month where eating cereal out of the ice cube tray seems like a better idea than doing dishes.
~ If Twitter says you’re similar to me, your spouse probably has to draw pictures to explain things to you, too.
~ My humor is seen by many as stupidity… I don’t let them stop me.