~ My life is like a roller coaster; sometimes it’s fun… sometimes I puke… and I always look like crap in the pictures.
~ I learned all my dance moves from the paternity test episodes of Maury.
~ Join me in wishing a very happy third birthday to the aluminum foil covered unlabeled jar in our fridge!
~ There are lots of things I could do tonight, but I’m just gonna stay home and it has nothing to do with me not having anything to do tonight.
~ I started pulling on a hangnail and now I’m down to only three fingers… please send help.
~ Thieves that are bad at their job always take things the wrong way.
~ The last time I was in a gym was when they were still called gymnasiums.
~ If I were a cab driver, I’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time I got a passenger.
~ So I thought Taco Bell was really classing it up with valet parking last night. But it turns out my truck got stolen.
~ I think it’s kind of crazy how you all keep forgetting to celebrate me as your MCM…
~ My boss once told me “Dress for the job you want.” And then everyone was acting like they had never seen a VS angel with wings in lingerie.
~ I’m pretty easy to love… as long as you don’t get to know me too well.
~ Xanax was invented by a guy who had to watch his wife try to parallel park.
~ Sometimes I say words out loud and then I don’t have an exit strategy.
~ I left a model of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes.
~ HR once said I couldn’t stuff a co-worker in the microwave. But they sure seemed mighty impressed when I proved them wrong.
~ I just love people who drive at a high rate of slow.
~ When I see my therapist jotting down notes, I wonder if she is only writing her tweets for the next day from my dialog.
~ I went to watch the New York City Ballet once. They don’t like it when you join in.
~ I am why I can’t have nice things.
~ My favorite three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
~ Sometimes I would like to disappear without a trace.
~ I think rap needs more yodeling.
~ I’m the reason your therapist can afford a Mercedes.
~ I grew up so poor our grocery list is a wish list.
~ I’m living down to my potential.
~ I still have PTSD from elementary school dodge ball.
~ My version of Russian roulette is just picking a random card in my wallet and hoping it doesn’t get declined.
~ I threw my former boss a retirement party one day, but it didn’t work. She kept coming to work.
~ The worst day at my former job was when I found out my lunch break wasn’t 8 hours long.
~ I’m planning a hostile corporate takeover of this neighborhood lemonade stand on the corner. Times are tough and kids gotta learn about life.
~ Columbia House called and it looks like I’m still on the hook to buy 4 records or tapes at regular price.
~ It’s amazing how much weight I can lose just by untucking my shirt!
~ At least I’m not as dumb as the people who usually get interviewed on the local news.
~ Just a few more untimely deaths and my life will be perfect.
~ I say “thingy” more than any man should when I’m at Lowes.
~ So this store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
~ I wish yelling “not it!” worked as an adult.
~ If I thought my ceiling fan could hold my body weight, I’d never be bored.