~ People who describe things as ‘amaze’ are highly annoy.
~ If you throw a beer at a ref, you get hauled off by security. I’m never going back to Foot Locker.
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) telling me not to act weird in front of her friends is the easiest way to ensure that I will act weird in front of her friends.
~ When you wake up with drool on your pillow and sheet marks on your face… THAT’S how you take a nap, kids.
~ I can’t see me in a job where I have to be professional.
~ No matter how bad your day seems, just remember that someone out there has to clean the bathrooms at Taco Bell.
~ If you play my life backwards I have it all figured out.
~ I bet if everyone would shut the hell up at the same time we’d have world peace.
~ I totally agree with you that I’m easily influenced.
~ If I had a job I’d quit and really focus on my not doing anything.
~ A Psychic once gave me my money back because I had no future.
~ If you go to the gym and don’t tell anyone, did you actually go?
~ I don’t care how smart your kid is unless he can help me cheat on my taxes.
~ If you’ve never used dial-up internet, please don’t talk to me about your “problems”.
~ It’s really not my fault; being poor is genetic.
~ I dream of playing Russian Roulette with my former boss using a semiautomatic… and she goes first.
~ My spirit animal is extinct.
~ I don’t have strong enough opinions to own a bumper sticker.
~ Funny people are usually really smart or really depressed. Which reminds me… I need to get my meds refilled.
~ Every time I see a girl I went to school with, I ask her if we ever dated and we laugh and laugh and laugh… and then I welcome her to Wal*Mart.
~ I’m probably at the age where I should start lying about my age.
~ I wonder if there is at least one person in prison who killed someone for a Klondike Bar?
~ I found out today that there are no beautiful singles in my area dying to meet me.
~ Men are much better secret keepers than women mainly because we weren’t really listening to begin with.
~ How do I transfer my Kool-Aid Points to my 401k?
~ I don’t care if your pants DO say Yoga… your butt says McDonald’s.
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) and I only have two problems: 1. Me. 2. Not her.
~ I only make friends with homeless people so I know I’ll never have to help anyone move.
~ I’m thinking Wal*Mart has crack floating through their air vents. I went in to buy a gallon of milk and came out with a giraffe, a 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache.
~ I often find myself rewording a long post so many times that it completely loses the original subject. This one started off about a duck.
~ Don’t buy expensive stuff without OWN’s (‘Ol Weird Nancy’s) consent because she’ll make you take the snake back.
~ A woman dressed head to toe in animal print bumped into me at Wal*Mart yesterday. I thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
~ Thanks to me, my Sharpie, and a small adjustment, my neighbor graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts.”
~ I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the Internet! Because that’s the problem with commercials… they’re just not long enough!
~ According to the math, I’m broke.
~ The only thing keeping me from being a stripper is my looks and about 90 pounds.
~ I tossed some cold pizza in the microwave yesterday, went to check my computer real quick, and when I went back, I had missed 3 mortgage payments.
~ Most of my story is written between the lines.