~ The only thing us fat guys hate is skinny people who say they’re fat … and Dairy Queens that close for the season. We hate that, too.
~ I didn’t mean to stare, but I sure thought her check butt light was on.
~ I was nominated for an Oscar for my moving rendition as “Man surprised his credit card was declined.”
~ I’m about as cool as someone trying to chase a Ping-Pong ball.
~ People who stop before making a turn … REALLY?!?
~ How is it that OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) always seems to buy the plants without the will to live?
~ My family is having a meeting about an intervention for me … but they can’t agree on whether it should be for my attitude, Social Media addiction, or Junior Mints.
~ If you need anything from me … you should probably reconsider.
~ Back in high school, I once dated a girl for 2 months because she had a trampoline.
~ I don’t know anyone that makes enough money to say “affordable healthcare” without lying.
~ I bet there’s an aquarium on a submarine somewhere and the fish are all, “You gotta be kidding me.”
~ So today, OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) was folding our laundry and … found a treadmill.
~ What did I want to be when I grew up? Ohhhhhh, I don’t know, a little bit less of a screw up, I guess.
~ I have never turned water into wine, but I have turned a can of chocolate frosting into dinner.
~ I find it odd that there are people who call me crazy and other people that call me for advice. Go figure.
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) has never been one to flirt with disaster. She went off the deep end and married it.
~ I’m too old to be a player. I’m just a manager now.
~ The worst thing about Oreos is that I eat them.