~ I typed my symptoms into WebMD an all I got back was, “Eww. Gross.”
~ I dumped my sock full of pennies on the gas station counter and told the attendant, “I’ll take a pickle in a bag and whatever is left on pump 7.”
~ My favorite quote to my former boss was, “That which doesn’t kill you disappoints me immensely.”
~ So I’ve learned if you’re going jogging in the heat, you need to take lots of extra napkins because your ice cream sandwich is gonna melt fast as hell.
~ I eat like a bird … a really, really, REALLY fat bird.
~ During a lull in a fight with OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy), I like to tell her I’m bored.
~ I really need to stop referring to 7-11 as the grocery store.
~ I am anti-violence … so don’t dilly-dally your time with my coffee.
~ I originally meant for my Social Media accounts to be classy. Things went horribly wrong very quickly.
~ I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of the plane door.
~ I was too depressed to celebrate Mental Health Week.
~ I just got too tired of being slim and good looking.
~ I have never faked a sarcasm.
~ My new diet starts on Monday… I just haven’t decided which Monday.
~ After grandpa’s unfortunate steamroller incident last year, man crush Monday is always a difficult time for me and my family.
~ To err is human; to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.
~ Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
~ “I buy cookies I don’t really like so I won’t eat them,” I say to myself halfway through a sleeve of Fig Newtons.
~ You win some… you lose a lot.
~ When I die, I have arranged for my best friend to delete my browser history and make my chalk lines smaller.