~ When I die, I’d like to be remembered as a man who responded to CPR.
~ I wouldn’t say I have an inflated sense of self-importance, but I can’t be the only one that watches the news just to see if I’m mentioned.
~ YES, sir… wear a belt AND suspenders to show gravity that you and your pants mean business.
~ Forest Lawn Drive. Really? Make up your mind.
~ I’ve learned OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) never want to hear what I think… she only wants to hear what SHE thinks in a slightly deeper voice.
~ You can tell everything you need to know about a man by what he considers worth fishing out of a toilet.
~ The first thing I do whenever I check into a hotel room is make sure I can fit comfortably in the fetal position in the shower.
~ What’s the required teeth to tattoo ratio for employment at Wal*Mart?
~ There are dogs that can detect cancer, find missing people, detect bombs, etc. Bernie the-WONDER-dog, however, rolls around on dead frogs… or in other animals poop… Etc.
~ The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade… and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener did not disappoint.
~ I hope all the people who eat healthy enjoy their last 50 years of arthritis and dementia.
~ You know that annoying friend that no one wants to hang out with because they hate everything? That friend is me.
~ “Passionate” is just a nice way of describing a lunatic.
~ What if Whoopi Goldberg married Peter Cushing…
~ You know that awkward moment when you walk through the metal detectors at the airport, and your abs of steel set them off? Yeah… me neither.
~ I had to apologize to my neighbor for yelling “GET A ROOM!” at his grandson’s wrestling tournament.
~ If your Facebook post says “continue reading” there is a 100% chance I will just stop right there.
~ The secret to staying young is to eat clean, run often, and lie about your age… which explains why I’m the UGLIEST 27 year-old you’ve ever seen.
~ I’m not certain I could do the whole mail order bride thing if I had to marry her immediately. I wonder if Russia has a rent-to-own option?
~ Vegan pizza…. is basically just the box.
~ Did you know that people that don’t have dogs actually have to pick up their own food off the floor?
~ You can call it a bad idea all you want… but I call it my life.
~ I want my cremation to be accompanied by ‘Disco Inferno.’
~ Being like ThOm means thinking, “This is probably not safe to stand on” before climbing on it. See also: “Idiot.”
~ I don’t have a washboard stomach… it’s more like a large capacity washer for doing comforters and sleeping bags.
~ What’s all this “judgment free zone” stuff? Me? I’m judging. All day every day.
~ I’m aging disgracefully.
~ At least 75% of my day consists of looking at the clock and not believing it.
~ A group of geese is called a gaggle. And a group of teenage girls is called a giggle.
~ One day I will master the settings on my toaster. There HAS to be a happy medium between raw and black.
~ I never laugh at OWN’s (‘Ol Weird Nancy’s) choice… considering I am one of them.
~ I am “when in the HELL did I need to start trimming my ears” years old…
~ You could order a gluten-free, dairy-free pizza for $15 OR chew on your own sock for free.
~ My family is either tolerable or insufferable. There is no middle ground.
~ Ice Breakers are my favorite mint that also describe what I hope would happen if my former boss walked across a frozen lake.
~ I’m pretty sure I’d be dead right now if I weren’t still alive.