~ I used to have a filing cabinet at work labeled SNAKES that just had my favorite pens and pencils in it.
~ I like to sit down next to stranger on park bench… place an envelope beside him… whisper, “It has to look like an accident” and walk away.
~ I wonder if my old boss ever gets a shooting pain across her body like someone has a voodoo doll of her and they’re stabbing it?
~ Our toaster has four settings: No.1: “I do nothing.” No.2: “I do nothing.” No.3: “I do nothing.” No.4: “I SET BREAD ON FIRE!”
~ Never lie about your job on a resume… just word it better. For example: “I handle client transactions at a Fortune 500 Multi-National Corporation” versus “I cashier at KFC.”
~ Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL joke. They knocked.
~ Most of my relatives donate blood 5 times a year just so they’re less and less related to me.
~ I can always come up with the perfect thing to say in an awkward situation … 3 days later.
~ Are we expected to stop for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids and the elderly, but everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
~ Everyday, millions of plants are killed by vegetarians. I’m helping stop the violence… by eating a steak.
~ I text OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. She thinks her phone is broken.
~ My favorite kind of math is adding insult to injury.
~ I hate being bipolar… it’s awesome.
~ In my single-wide trailer there is 1 female, 9423 pony tail holders, 49 bottles of nail polish, 8 Jason Aldean posters and 1 very patient, worn down man.
~ Only 10 ½ months until I can finally eat candy out of my socks again…. without looking weird.
~ I keep pushing the potato button on the microwave… but still no potato.
~ After seeing some of the names on kids these days, it makes me wonder if their parents were going all in for the Triple Word Score.
~ Here is an idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
~ I’ve never wished death upon anybody who wrongs me. I find wishing sudden, uncontrollable explosive diarrhea while at the mall more satisfying.
~ What is the hospital etiquette on how long should you wait after they pull the plug to ask if you can use the socket to charge your phone?
~ My neighbor has been missing for a week and the police said to prepare for the worst… so his wife went to the thrift store and got all his clothes back.
~ So OWN’s (‘Ol Weird Nancy’s) car has a parking sensor. When she reverses too far it makes a banging, crunching noise.
~ This crazy Autocorrect completely socks.
~ There’s a method to my fatness.
~ I might walk to the kitchen later. Will have to see how I feel.
~ No matter how many rules and regulations you put in place, most times you can’t outsmart someone else’s stupidity.
~ I’ve reached a point that I’m not sure if I’m constipated or pregnant. More details in an hour.
~ They could make Reese’s® Peanut Butter Cups the size of beach balls and I’d still eat two.
~ I would be much better served if they would put the shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much crap to carry.
~ I put my money in the wishing well and my wish came true. And by wishing well I meant vending machine and by wish I meant Snickers.
~ Don’t let your past mistakes define you. Let my criticism of your current mistakes define you.
~ Welcome to Procrastinators Club. Sorry it took so long to organize the meeting.
~ Forget karma. I want revenge.
~ Every married guy should have a “Man Cave” to get away. Mine is awesome… it has a washer/dryer and a place to fold towels.