~ One of my favorite times to do things is never.
~ On the dead tired scale of 1 to 10, I’m a white chalk outline…
~ Nothing ruins a New Year’s dieting resolution faster than “Would you like to buy some Girl Scout Cookies?”
~ I always work out to Weezer songs, because their name best describes my breathing patterns.
~ Life REALLY sucks when you start looking better in your driver’s license photo than you do in real life.
~ Never argue about religion, politics or BBQ.
~ The best things in life aren’t carb-free.
~ If you’ve never dated someone who has made you completely reconsider your dating standards… then you’ve never dated me.
~ I’m Southern, but not “drink moonshine with my boss at work” Southern. No, wait… I am exactly that Southern. (NO!! Not THAT boss…).
~ For my next bad decision, I will fail to rectify the current one.
~ My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through Wal*Mart.
~ If you say “I seen,” I’m going to assume you serve Velveeta for wine and cheese night. Them’s the rules.
~ I’m vegan until OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) gets paid again.
~ Flat screens are nice and all, but they’ll never compare to the television/record player/liquor cabinet combo extravaganza we had as kids.
~ I watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall. So in all reality, Jedi you are not, sir.
~ I think it’s safe to say that the Dreamcatcher hanging from the rear view mirror in that ’91 Escort isn’t working.
~ That guy you’ve searched for your whole life and makes you happier than you could have ever imagined? I’m the guy you would date before him.
~ I wonder how many miles on my odometer are from drive-thrus.
~ Sometimes I just have to sit back and admire how really good I am at messing things up.
~ Is it necessary to apologize for heckling during the eulogy? I mean if they were REALLY bombing up there?
~ My diet can best be summed up as “Eat this before it goes bad.”
~ Once you lose interest in the cereal aisle, life’s pretty much past its peak.
~ Don’t let all the glamour of my life and humor fool you, I’m still the same guy who couldn’t get his prom date to dance with him.
~ In hell, your coworker never finishes opening a wrapper.
~ Fact: all boots were made for walking.
~ My neighbor has been tweeting for 10 hours straight… and 3 hours gay.
~ When OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) suddenly gets quiet, I can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
~ Why is it that all the employees at Bath & Body Works stores answer my simple yes/no questions with “stories”?
~ A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
~ A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes on Twitter. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
~ Remember… before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
~ I bought an answering machine and it doesn’t work. Or maybe I’m just asking it the wrong questions.
~ Twitter, because my work isn’t just going to ignore itself.
~ I can always count on my middle finger to stick up for me.
~ Yeah… yeah… like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
~ Have you ever taken just a minute and realized the whole lack of creativity in the name “fire place?”
~ You know you are getting old when you have to scroll down… scroll down… and scroll down some more… to select the year you were born.