~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye… so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
~ Why does toilet paper need a commercial? Who is not buying this?
~ Playboy has started a new edition for married men with the same woman featured every month.
~ I was supposed to give a Eulogy at a funeral yesterday, but I forgot my notes. So I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half.
~ When OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) and I first got married, we thought we wanted two kids. After the first one, we’re thinking none might have been better.
~ I sold my Homing Pigeon 8 times last month on eBay.
~ So OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) changed her Facebook status to “It’s complicated.” I guess I better go see what she wants.
~ Sure… I could get off the couch and put new batteries in this remote. But instead, I am going to hold it high above my head and aim it at different angles.
~ So OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) was planning this big romantic dinner for two and then she found out I would be home.
~ My GPS has had to learn to say, “Your other left.”
~ The favorite meal OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) likes to make for me is alphabet soup… because even when we aren’t fighting she still loves to put words in my mouth.
~ I always leave a suicide note when I shower in case I slip and die. At least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
~ Misunderstandings happen when one person is clearly stupid.
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) fell asleep during American Idol last week, so I got up like a fat ninja and turned hockey on. Then, I whispered to myself, “I run this house.”
~ So imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
~ At least 95% of my posts are the truth. The only things I lie about are statistics.
~ According to my autocorrect, I’m wearing edible pantries.
~ I’m not exactly sure what “swag” is, but I’m told Justin Bieber and Lil Wayne both claim to have it. So, I’m assuming it’s not talent.
~ Some people need Rosetta Stone for Sarcasm.
~ All of my best ideas involve jail time.
~ A haunted house that has a room where a bunch of women ask you “Notice anything different about my hair?”
~ If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
~ At least once a week OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) will check the smoke alarms to make sure they’re working. She calls it “cooking.”
~ The neighbor’s kid just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal, but Toast is the name of their cat.
~ If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
~ Me winding up as the last man on earth is a highly unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
~ I wonder if penguins wear people suits when they get married?
~ The back of the paper towel package says “We welcome your comments” so I called and told them that I love tacos.
~ Football would be a lot better if kickers got Charlie Browned every once and awhile.
~ Back in the day, if you slipped your kid’s teacher a flask during parent teacher conferences, their grades magically improved.
~ I got fired from Starbucks on my first day because I thought a barista was a British lawyer and it seems I guess my big curly powdered wig violated health codes.
~ I’ve been playing the blame game with OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy). I’m currently down 1,227,456 to 3.
~ Firstly off, I’d like to say that I had no idea there’s a dosing limit on nasal sprays. Secondly off, how do you get a unicorn to stop laughing?
~ There comes a time in everyone’s life that we must except we are too old to be on any MTV reality shows.
~ I had always assumed that by this point in my life, I would have figured out what to do with my face when someone is telling a long story.