jester journals

Weird Ramblings from a Warped Mind


Weird Ramblings From A Warped Mind… 12-9-2014

~ If you don’t make her roll her eyes and regret marrying you at least once per day, you’re doing it wrong. Or I am. Whatever.

~ Without a doubt… here ‘round Hickville Holler (Pop 2), nothing is more romantic than matching switchblade knives.

~ I’m pretty sure I’m just a pile of flaws rather than a personality.

~ It’s getting harder and harder to find light-up sneakers in my size.

~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) has told me a million times not to exaggerate.

~ I’m always grateful for that one friend who is more of a screw up than me.

~ As a man who has survived both pepper spray and mustard gas I am now well seasoned.

~ If you think I won’t dig a box out of the trash for the eighth time to read the microwave directions cause I forgot, you better think again.

~ My comments are always funnier if you have something wrong with you.

~ People with a good sense of humor have a better sense of life.

~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) looks at me weird just because I use the measuring cup to dose my NyQuil.

~ I was going to post a pic of my breakfast, but I think you all know what a pop tart looks like… OK, just in case.

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~ I don’t know why all these new folks are following me lately, but welcome aboard. My question is this: Y’all sure you wanna do this?

~ I’ve actually started going to the gym everyday. Granted, I just sit in the parking lot and cry while gripping my stomach flab, but I go.

~ When they say “all expenses paid” they never include bail.

~ A four-way stop is a public IQ test here in Hickville Holler (Pop 2).

~ I beginning to suspect my couch contains slow release chloroform.

~ If you don’t find yourself with every reason in the world to be mad, it could be because you haven’t met me yet.

~ I HATE when the cop still puts me in the back seat even after I CLEARLY called shotgun.

~ If you ever need absolutely nothing, I am totally here for you.

~ Around my single-wide, the only thing you’ll find us doing upscale is cleaning fish.

~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) has decided to give our pile of laundry one more day to do itself.

~ I hate to see a 78-year-old heart patient out there mowing the grass, but I won that bet fair and square… and Grandma has to learn.

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~ Let’s agree to disagree… then you can appear to disappear.

~ My love for proper grammar no’s know bounds.

~ If OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) says, “Well I guess you don’t HAVE to do it.” … I know I better just do it.

~ As horrible as this may sound, sometimes I just wish stupidity was terminal for some people.

~ What if passwords required yodeling?

~ In public restrooms, if someone knocks on the stall door, I tell them to come in.

~ I’m tired of ATMs laughing at me when I check my balance.

~ So apparently you only get to do a book tour for writing a book… not just for reading one.

~ My favorite job was right out of high school as a pharmacy cashier. I was yelling for a price check every time someone checked out with anal ointment, condoms, or men buying tampons.

~ I once went out with a girl back in High School that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.

~ Any mile I run is the Miracle Mile.

~ It seems the only time I see Oklahoma on the news is when something has blown away, blown up, or burned down. Their main export must be tragedy.

~ I’ve never seen an actual zombie attack, but I did see 10 motorized scooters move towards a free sample lady at a Wal*Mart at the same time one time.

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