~ At my old job, I’d fill an empty mayo jar with vanilla pudding and eat it at my desk all day.
~ I put my skinny jeans on like everyone else… with a spatula, Vaseline and a shoehorn.
~ I’m not sure how many days I can survive on Cheerios before being forced to grocery shop, but we seem to be pretty determined to find out.
~ Sometimes I don’t know what’s funnier… the obvious jokes that I post or how some people overreact to them.
~ One of OWN’s (‘Ol Weird Nancy’s) MANY superpowers is mistaking things for spiders. And occasionally screaming before she realizes its fluff. Or a paint chip.
~ I’m not saying I do Cross Fit, but I have walked up an escalator a few times.
~ If I were a cartoon character, my name would be Hello Pity.
~ What ever happened to personal responsibility? I blame our parents.
~ Someone said I needed a new hobby… so I’m gonna take up blackmailing.
~ Here’s my Million-dollar idea: A smoke detector that shuts off when I yell “She’s just cooking!”
~ So I went to the grocery store hungry and without a list… it did not end well.
~ I find it so frustrating when your hitman doesn’t answer the phone after you’ve made amends with someone.
~ I hate toddlers that have a fancier phone than me.
~ My American Ninja Warrior training ended when I dislocated my shoulder opening a bottle of Gatorade.
~ I’m just one road rage incident away from getting famous…
~ Honestly, shut the hell up is normally some sound policy.
~ I have excellent judgment… of situations that don’t involve me.
~ The lady in Wal*Mart that looked like an uneducated hobo really undermined the relevance of her nonstop critique of others today.
~ If you’re in a hurry, the fastest way to see a doctor is to just get naked in the middle of the emergency room waiting area.