~ If your nickname is Lucky, it tells me all I need to know.
~ I don’t get it … and I’m pretty much okay with that.
~ My skinny jeans just snicker at me from their hangar every time I open the closet.
~ Never judge someone on their appearance … unless they have a mullet. Then it’s okay.
~ According to my “other half,” I’m the reason nobody visits us anymore.
~ I think the reason I never got any second dates was all the questions my Mom asked on the first dates.
~ My body camera footage would be an endless loop of me going into the kitchen and then forgetting what I needed.
~ The cat and I fight over the same chair. Sometimes I win.
~ My Hickville Holler (Pop 2) TrailerHood neighbor quit his job performing circumcisions because the tips weren’t big enough.
~ Every day I don’t post something stupid is a day I win.
~ Today at The Wal*Marts, I looked a woman straight in the eye as she picked her nose. In some regions I guess we’d be in a relationship now or something.
~ I always fist bump the cashier whenever my card doesn’t get declined.
~ So today I saw a guy holding a bullhorn backward to his lips at a Mensa pep rally and yelling, “YOU GUYS ARE IDIOTS!!” into it.
~ I can tell I lost some weight … my hand fits in the Pringles can again.
~ I like when I can have my cake and eat yours too.
~ I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
~ My Hickville Holler (Pop 2) TrailerHood neighbor is the kind of guy that doesn’t have a lot of light bulb moments.
~ I’m here for whatever you need me to do from the couch.
~ I wonder what the Lifetime Original Movie about me will be titled?
~ Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s him. He’s the one.” And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage …”