~ Congratulations on your early retirement … I had ketchup for dinner.
~ I keep incredibly busy for someone that doesn’t do anything.
~ I don’t rely solely on my hideous appearance to drive people away … my abysmal social skills are just as effective.
~ Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ … does not understand how friendship works.
~ My entire working knowledge of automotive repair is derived from the song “The Wheels on the Bus” …
~ So OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) told me I had left a mess in the living room and I said it wasn’t a mess, it was art. She had no comeback and picked it up herself.
~ The top drawer of a nightstand should be a fridge.
~ I never start anything I can’t abandon.
~ I usually do really good on my diet for the first 8 or 9 hours … and then I wake up.
~ On rainy days, I like to stand by the window and look sad … and sometimes OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) will let me in.
~ Standing in line at The Wal*Marts makes me realize that beached whales will never be an endangered species.
~ If my therapist would just follow me on on-line, we could save a lot of time.
~ It’s funny how if SHE says, “Its no big deal,” it’s no big deal. But if I say, “Its no big deal,” it becomes the biggest deal EVER!
~ Well OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) finally got around to shaving her legs … and Locks of Love was THRILLED with that donation.
~ If adulthood has made one thing clear, it’s that I can’t be trusted with the responsibility of how many cookies I can have before dinner.
~ My autocorrect changed “depressed” to “dressed” … so at least I’m not still in my pajamas.
~ Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s him. He’s the one.” … and not follow it with, “Who ate cake out of the garbage.”
~ If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to just say, “No.” You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary.