~ Winning a fight with OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) is like winning a vacation to Detroit… I don’t get too excited.
~ The fastest land animal is a guy that sees a woman about to go through his phone.
~ I think there needs to be something that’s more than coffee but less than cocaine.
~ The only thing I remember about geography is that Long Island has the best iced tea.
~ I think I’m at that age where you don’t really care about what you’re wearing.
~ Just because you didn’t do anything wrong doesn’t mean it was the right thing to do.
~ I always wanted to be an explorer until that time I got confused going through a revolving door and started crying.
~ My mood right now is like 0/10.
~ We are currently living paycheck to credit card to credit card to credit card to paycheck.
~ I’ve been waiting very patiently… so when is someone going to get my act together?
~ Not everyone who looks at me sees a loser. That cross-eyed guy down the road sees two losers.
~ A local man suffered 100 strokes and lived …but enough about my round of golf today.
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) gets most of her cardio in from rolling her eyes at me.
~ Just to be safe, whenever I’m at the beach I always wait 20 minutes after eating before going back for another helping.
~ I’m 53 years old and my brain still hasn’t grasped the fact that no matter how often I open the cabinet, cookies will not magically appear.
~ Man, I am fat. I need to stop enjoying life so much.
~ I have great instincts. Well, I have some instincts. Ok… I can usually tell when something is on fire.
~ The FIRST problem I have with your opinion is that it’s wrong.
~ As my moobs continue to grow by the day, I’m starting to contemplate a career change to work at Hooters.
~ Nothing cures my insomnia quite like realizing its time to get up.