~ I define my style as “Carny.”
~ I found a hole in the backside of my favorite yoga pants, but I didn’t want to change, so I colored that part of my butt with a Sharpie.
~ I squint at the sun because it’s bright. I squint at idiots because they’re not.
~ Oh trust me, I often wonder how my mind works, too.
~ Our memory foam mattress seems to think I’m way taller and muscly than I am. So kind!
~ The 3-hour home security video of my Hickville Holler (Pop 2) TrailerHood neighbor coming home drunk and trying to sneak through his motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
~ If OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) had her own cooking show, it would probably be called, “Do you smell something burning?”
~ Nothing pisses me off more than everything.
~ Earlier today I was accused of “feigning interest.” Not exactly sure what that meant, so I pretended I gave a whoopee about what she was saying.
~ I’m like the bonus track of people. No one likes me, but yet, here I am …
~ My favorite special three words … “There’s no evidence.”
~ You know you’re in Hickville Holler (Pop 2) when you have to conceal-carry at the family get-together.
~ I showed the 28-year old kid that I can still do a cartwheel … and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
~ Never tighten your toe rings with wire cutters. You’re welcome.
~ The only threesome that I’ve ever had was with Mike & Ike …
~ Now accepting suggestions on what to name my love handles.
~ Listen people in The Wal*Marts: black clothes are slimming … not miracle workers.
~ If you drink your milkshake through a skinnier straw you don’t gain as much weight.
~ No matter where I squeeze a baby, I just can’t figure out where the oil comes from.