jester journals

Weird Ramblings from a Warped Mind


Weird Ramblings From A Warped Mind … 12-26-2016

~ I define my style as “Carny.”

~ I found a hole in the backside of my favorite yoga pants, but I didn’t want to change, so I colored that part of my butt with a Sharpie.

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~ I squint at the sun because it’s bright. I squint at idiots because they’re not.

~ Oh trust me, I often wonder how my mind works, too.

~ Our memory foam mattress seems to think I’m way taller and muscly than I am. So kind!

~ The 3-hour home security video of my Hickville Holler (Pop 2) TrailerHood neighbor coming home drunk and trying to sneak through his motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.

~ If OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) had her own cooking show, it would probably be called, “Do you smell something burning?”

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~ Nothing pisses me off more than everything.

~ Earlier today I was accused of “feigning interest.” Not exactly sure what that meant, so I pretended I gave a whoopee about what she was saying.

~ I’m like the bonus track of people. No one likes me, but yet, here I am …

~ My favorite special three words … “There’s no evidence.”

~ You know you’re in Hickville Holler (Pop 2) when you have to conceal-carry at the family get-together.

~ I showed the 28-year old kid that I can still do a cartwheel … and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.

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~ Never tighten your toe rings with wire cutters. You’re welcome.

~ The only threesome that I’ve ever had was with Mike & Ike …

~ Now accepting suggestions on what to name my love handles.

~ Listen people in The Wal*Marts: black clothes are slimming … not miracle workers.

~ If you drink your milkshake through a skinnier straw you don’t gain as much weight.

~ No matter where I squeeze a baby, I just can’t figure out where the oil comes from.

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