~ I overheard OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) telling someone we have a great relationship … as long as you don’t count the 35 years we’ve been married.
~ You folks have no idea what I’m culpable of …
~ I’d probably be more of a go getter if I knew what I was going to get.
~ I have several hidden talents that don’t become known until the tequila is poured.
~ I don’t understand why people waste money on a gym membership when it’s absolutely FREE to just find fatter friends.
~ We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise … and others of us get up early to eat cookies.
~ My High School guidance counselor told me I could be anything I wanted … which is why I’m an asshole.
~ I like to wait until my dog has smelled every inch of grass, and is just about to finally go, then yell, “NOT THERE!!”
~ Never wait to take revenge on someone. Something could happen before you do and you’ll always be left wondering, “What if.”
~ Overheard at The Wal*Marts today, “Well, that definitely wasn’t a fart.”
~ Nothing says rock bottom like OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) thinking I’m cheating when really I’m just sneaking around eating donuts.
~ You wouldn’t think I was immature if you could see how many marshmallows I could fit in my mouth.
~ The best way to tell if I have said something stupid is to listen to the last thing I said.
~ My relationships are mostly just me apologizing for saying something hilarious.
~ These pills I got on eBay are giving OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) whiskers.
~ My morals go out the window when I’m playing Monopoly.
~ Scrolling to find my birth year on an online form hurts my feelings.