jester journals

Weird Ramblings from a Warped Mind


Weird Ramblings From A Warped Mind… 11-9-2015

~ Whenever my truck won’t start, I like to open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.

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~ We were out of coffee this morning so I shot-gunned a grape Fanta and licked the red terminal on my truck battery. I think I’m good to go now.

~ When asked about the scar on my forehead I say I got it in a battle while deployed to Iraq in 2004. The truth? I scraped my head on a towel rack standing up from the toilet.

~ After his 3rd divorce, my Hickville Holler (Pop 2) TrailerHood neighbor gave up on that ‘dream girl’ crap long ago. At this point, if she has no outstanding warrants, he’ll talk to her.

~ I’ve started reenacting the Hulk transformation scene, but very slowly over the course of decades as my 200-lb fat ass rips through my 32-in waist jeans.

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~ Do you people even understand what condescending means?

~ I wish OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) would just admit she hates me instead of giving me a Fig Newton.

~ I’ve got 99 problems and 86 of them are completely made up scenarios in my head that I’m stressing about for absolutely no logical reason.

~ Being crazy is part of my charm.

~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) carries a 20-lb purse filled with receipts, ticket stubs, and gum wrappers because cleaning it out would take 5 minutes that she can never get back.

~ Whoever said, “Looks aren’t everything” was obviously ugly.

~ Maybe my goal was to be a 53-year old loser on the Internet. You don’t know.

~ I’m on this new diet called, “Just one more bite.”

~ My biggest nightmare is seeing my sex tape on America’s Funniest Home Videos.

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~ Sometimes I wonder if all my problems are happening because I didn’t forward that email to 10 people.

~ Out of cinnamon so I sprinkled brown sugar on my buttered toast. Can’t believe I hadn’t tried this sooner. I feel like a fool. LIKE A FOOL!

~ My Hickville Holler (Pop 2) TrailerHood neighbor needs bail money after learning a stripper won’t accept box tops in lieu of dollar bills.

~ I got thrown out of Williams Sonoma today for calling a tureen a giant cereal bowl.

~ I’m at that point in my diet where my mood can best be described as “kill everything, eat anything.”

~ During every trip to Wal*Mart I look around and really feel like Darwin let me down.

~ I hope my teeth enjoy their morning 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.

~ People who think “Failure is not an option” have never met me.

~ I hate that OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) refuses to sing along to “Lord I was born a scramblin’ man” while I cook breakfast.

~ I recently entered a new generational gap phase of my life. It’s called, “I’m too dayum old for this crap.”

~ It only takes one person to ruin everything. I am that person.

~ Here around the Hickville Holler (Pop 2) TrailerHood, it’s not uncommon to hear about someone that “got kill-t dead.”

~ I never realized I had a problem until the drive-thru lady at Taco Bell noticed I got a haircut.

~ Everyone HAS a story. It’s just that not everyone has an INTERESTING story.

~ I’ve started naming OWN’s (‘Ol Weird Nancy’s) mood swings after well-known hurricanes.

~ My neighbor told me that he hopes his kid graduates “summer corn loud” one day… so it’s safe to say he won’t.

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~ I once knew a guy who violated his Subaru warranty by driving into town.

~ The first thing I did every morning when I got to work at my old job was open my lunchbox, eyeball my co-workers and spit on my sandwich before I put it in the fridge.

~ I like to spice up an otherwise dull morning by screaming “PRESENT!” when my name is called at Starbucks.

~ This salad would taste better if it were a donut.

~ I’ve decided to start reading more… which is why my TV has the Closed Captions turned on all the time.

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