~ I’ve always thought alcohol silenced the voices in my head. I now realize it just moves them to my mouth.
~ I tried wearing a push-up bra and could still barely do 1 push-up … so I would not recommend it.
~ My psychiatrist told me “There’s really nothing more I can do for you,” … so that means I’m cured right??
~ I’ve come to the conclusion that my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
~ I kept smelling roast pork this morning … and then realized my heated car seat was set too high.
~ I choked on a carrot today and all I could think of is that a donut wouldn’t have done that to me.
~ Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
– It’s just me putting on my watch, you buncha pervs …
~ It only takes a second to show someone how you feel about them. The police call it “indecent exposure,” but … whatever.
~ Physical attractions are common, but a mental connection is rare. Once you’ve had the latter, the former will never be enough again.
~ If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist. That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
~ I always look for the best-looking cashier at Wal*Mart … and normally end up at the self-checkout lane.
~ Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
~ I don’t want to alarm anyone, but I’ve purchased a ukulele. As soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11. NO WEIRDOS!
~ The last hotel I stayed in had a chair in the elevator. That’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
~ My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
~ Nobody knows the trouble I’ve ignored.