~ I’m glad I chose a woman with wits … wits will never sag.
~ One day I hope to be smart enough to not panic for gas when my car drives east.
~ I’ve found if I tuck my pants legs into my socks, people expect less of me.
~ I’m only smart enough to know that I’m not very smart.
~ If by running, you mean running from responsibilities then yes, I’m a runner.
~ I’m not sure where I’m going, but I’m on my way. And also, I’ll be a bit late.
~ My nickname at my old job was, “I thought they fired you.”
~ Did you know I can get in trouble for just looking at OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy)? Marriage is fun.
~ You may “say” that you don’t give a flip, but until you get your taxes done at The Wal*Marts, I don’t believe you.
~ When I yawn around a deaf person, I always give a thumbs up so they know I’m not screaming.
~ Whenever I skip a day on the exercise bike, I add the 25 miles to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be pedaling to Uranus and back.
~ You go ahead and live your life your way and I’ll live my life the way OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) tells me.
~ I’m only drinking two beers today because I have self-control … and two beers.
~ According to my doctor, it’s not OCD that makes me need to finish a whole bag of M&Ms when I open it. Apparently, I’m just “fat.”
– There is nothing wrong with me that completely changing every single thing about myself wouldn’t fix.
~ I have painstakingly prepared a 20,000 word manuscript I plan to recite every time anyone flippantly asks me, “What the HELL is your problem?”
~ If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
~ I would love to insult you, but I’m afraid I wouldn’t do as well as nature did.
~ Going on vacation in a month and I just realized I forgot to start my diet 9 years ago.