~ It doesn’t matter if I sleep 2 hours or 13 hours, I will still be tired the next day.
~ Everything you’ve ever wanted is on the other side of your fear.
~ Yelling gets you better meds.
~ Triscuits … for those times in life where only salty wicker will do.
~ Most people think of me as a semicolon … they’re not sure exactly what to do with me.
~ Many find it hard to believe my neck holds up all this genius.
~ I hate people who, as soon as you tell them your plans, try talking you out of them. Yes, Chipotle lady, I KNOW the guac costs extra. Geez.
~ Brunch is the most successful merger in the entire history of white people.
~ If I have to choose between anything and debauchery, I’ll always choose debauchery.
~ I’ll bet the gal with hairy armpits and shaved eyebrows in front of me in the Wal*Mart checkout has quite the story …
~ When you’ve been married as long as I have, “gettin’ frisky” just means picking up some more cat food.
~ Vaping is for sissies. If I were a smoker, I’d smoke my cigarettes like a man … in the garage, hiding from OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy).
~Hell hath no fury like a woman who didn’t realize her coupons expired.
~ My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
~ It’s not that I’m not ignoring you … I merely got distracted by absolutely everything else in the entire world.
~ Our house has a panic room. It’s whatever room OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) is in when I bring in my auction “treasures.”
~ I’ve made some desperate searches for obscure subject matter to post about, so I’m starting to feel some empathy for whoever wrote “Muskrat Love.”
~ My girlfriend from 2nd grade just liked one of my photos on FaceBook, so yeah, I’d say she never got over me.
~ Don’t judge me based on my appearance … I’m way worse on the inside.