~ I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. The key words here are “used to.”
~ My posts are not intended for people with liver disease or women who are nursing, are pregnant, or may become pregnant. If you read a post for more than 4 hours, please consult a doctor.
~ I am at my most dangerous when I almost know what I am doing.
~ If OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) doesn’t stop talking to me soon, I’m going to have to take my ear-buds out and find out what she wants…
~ My favorite extreme sport is going overboard.
~ I remember a decade ago thinking: It’s Sunday morning,.. I wish I could show everyone I’m drinking coffee. Thank you Social Media.
~ I nailed a picture of a lost tree to my neighbor’s cat and now they hate me.
~ My IQ test came back negative.
~ I like to wear a Grocery Store uniform and tell homeless people that I’m there to repo the shopping cart.
~ Did anyone lose this wallet that doesn’t have $86 in it?
~ I could tell by the look on the lady’s face in the stall next to me that it wasn’t the right time to play Peek-a-Boo.
~ A cheery disposition early in the morning can be detrimental to your health.
~ You call it laziness… I call it injury prevention.
~ This chamomile tea tastes a lot like hand me a Jack and Coke.
~ Yesterday I consumed all my calories for the day before lunch so I had no choice but to go back to bed and sleep for the next 18 hours.
~ I can tell everything I need to know about a person by how fast their windshield wipers are going in a light rain.
~ I’d say 72% of my daily cardio is just me stirring my coffee…
~ I’m at my intellectual low when I realize I just learned some crap on Sesame Street.
~ It’s only harassment if someone complains.