~ I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter, but wasn’t sure how to spell it. So …
~ It’s not that I’m not poor … I’m just big-loaned.
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) and I made our wills last week. We had to make the lawyer the beneficiary because our estate will just about cover his bill.
~ I sharpened all the kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
~ It’s probably just me, but I swear it’s the same mariachi song playing in every Mexican restaurant I walk in to …
~ I remember back when I was a kid, ‘friends with benefits’ meant that kid had an Atari Pong game.
~ I must have an amazing butt! Because every time I finish talking to someone and turn to walk away, I hear them whisper, “What an ass!”
~ That may not be a very nice thing to say, but I meant it from the bottom of my heart.
~ I’m trying to lose enough weight to where I feel comfortable being in public with my shirt on.
~ I have been described as the human version of a headache.
~ Anxiety is panicking about being late and then sitting in the parking lot for 20 minutes because you are so early.
~ I want a hot body … but I also want hot wings.
~ If only my bank balance was as high as my daily calorie intake.
~ One of my most useful talents is how to quiet my breathing so no one realizes how much I struggle walking up a flight of stairs.
~ My current resume is basically a list of things I hate to do.
~ I learn something new everyday … and forget five other things forever.
~ My idea of a happy meal is a bottle of Jack, 2 Xanax, and a Cookie.
~ I wouldn’t need to control my anger if everyone around me would control their habit of pissing me off.