~ Don’t get me started since I don’t come with brakes.
~ Some call it bitching… I call it verbal release therapy. It’s all about perspective.
~ Does it count as saving someone’s life if I just refrain from killing them?
~ If anyone asks, I was never here and I don’t have ANY social media accounts.
~ I choose my underwear each day in a pretty nonchalant manner. Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found laying around the house.
~ My Hickville Holler (Pop 2) TrailerHood neighbor is about one melt down away from a country music singing career.
~ Someone yelled, “Retard strong” and I pee’d my pants.
~ Whenever see two guys together at a Coin-star, there is a 100% chance that money is going to either beer, weed, or pizza. 100%…
~ I did all kinds of stuff today without telling Instagram, you guys.
~ I learned today you can refuse to get on the scale. I just told the nurse, “No.” Didn’t have to hit her or anything. I yelled a little.
~ We may be poor, but at least I don’t have to share a Facebook page with OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy).
~ If anyone is trying I figure out what to buy me for my birthday, I wear a size tequila.
~ Not trying to brag, but my call is a priority for AT&T.
~ Some people paid $100,000 to see Mayweather fight Pacquiao… and I just paid for a McDouble with nickels.
~ Hey Honey… Oompa Loompa Doopity Do, fake tanning lotion ain’t working for you.
~ How can poor people always afford trampolines? Every single-wide in the Hickvlle Holler (Pop 2) TrailerHood has one…
~ I just don’t feel like I would make a very good optimist…
~ My tendency to mix up DIY and DUI has led to some interesting conversations.
~ FYI ladies: animal print outfits only look hot when it doesn’t look like they had to take down 6-7 adult males of the species to make.
~ This pizza taste like I’ll be wearing a T-shirt to the beach again this summer.
~ To the lady in the Wal*Mart line…you’ve been coloring since childhood, yet you can’t seem to figure out where your natural lip line ends?
~ I’m all about fitness… fitness this whole donut in my mouth!
~ I love those first few days of the month before the rent check clears, when it looks like I’ll have enough money to pay the bills.
~ I never realized it would be so hard to quit Being 2 Legit…
~ Our bank statement now comes with tips for tastier Top Ramen recipes.
~ A benefit of being married is that I don’t have to think anymore.
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy): What the hell is right with you?
Me: Do you mean what’s wrong with me?
OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy): Trust me… my way will be much quicker.
~ Watching a baby try to poop is probably the only joy I have left in life.
~ My Hickvlle Holler (Pop 2) TrailerHood neighbor tried to quit alcohol, but he said not drinking was ruining his marriage.
~ If I was any funnier, I would almost be funny.
~ It’s starting to worry me about how many fond memories I have involving Pringles.
~ So today I learned yelling “EASY OUT” isn’t appropriate at a T-Ball game.
~ Granted I’m no mathlete, but I CAN tell you that my Hickville Holler (Pop 2) TrailerHood neighbor’s 6 y/o running at 8 mph chasing an ice cream truck moving at 10 mph flies 7.4 ft if you trip him.
~ I bought some pajama pants and a t-shirt at Wal*Mart today… to wear to Wal*Mart tomorrow.
~ If you have the right to wear clothes with words printed on your behind, then I have the right… nay DUTY… to read them aloud.
~ My local dairy changed their chocolate milk formula to a more health conscious, less flavorful version, so yeah, I get it rioters.
~ I wish there was an app that just analyzed my posts and told me what kind of therapy I needed.