~ You can join a yacht club without owning a yacht as long as you own 7-9 pastel Polo™ shirts and a pair of deck shoes.
~ I congratulated a woman at Wal*Mart yesterday on having the ugliest baby I’d ever seen and she didn’t even say thank you. How rude.
~ I once spent 38 minutes slicing lasagna noodles into strips because we had run out of spaghetti.
~ Unless they directly contributed DNA, nobody wants to watch your little Princess dance in her recital.
~ Looks like my biggest accomplishment today will be looking fat.
~ I’m going to accidentally throat punch my Hickville Holler (Pop 2) TrailerHood neighbor the next time I see him.
~ I have an opinion on everything. I hate it.
~ It takes fewer muscles to smile than it does to give a badger a vasectomy. Don’t even ask …
~ I may hate Wal*Mart, but where else can I get my oil changed, pick up my Xanax, and chew on a donut I haven’t even paid for yet?
~ Every once in a while, I like to post something that makes everyone who follows me question why the hell they decided to do that.
~ I pulled a muscle trying to see if I have muscles.
~ I’m always too busy for that whole “two hands on the steering wheel” crap.
~ I don’t know why this lady in front of me at Wal*Mart is buying eight 36-packs of hot dogs, and I don’t want to know. Ok … maybe I want to know a little.
~ I now shave my legs before getting weighed at the Doctor’s office. Desperation has set in …
~ Is there something in Sudafed that makes you jittery? Also, my silk ficus needs to shut the heck up.
~ I bet I’d considered to be in pretty good shape in the competitive bowling circuit.
~ The only reason OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) married me was so that she wouldn’t have to eventually testify against me.