~ If you shove a Tic Tac up each nostril, it doesn’t matter how horrible anyone else’s breath is.
~ I’m the kind of man that gives men a bad name. It’s a tough job, but at least I’m good at something.
~ I bet the best part of living in a double-wide is how easy it is to take half when you get divorced.
~ My latest worry is trying to remember to work on only having one chin in photos.
~ It would take a Proctologist and a small team of midgets to remove the wedgie I saw at Wal*Mart today.
~ I have just over 16.6K tweets, so I’ve decided to turn all the good ones into fridge magnets. Be sure to collect all 3.
~ It would be ok if all of you stopped making that weird face in all of your selfies.
~ When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
~ Remember before we met? I bet you miss that about me.
~My FitBit app is covered with dust.
~ Trying to clap in between push-ups was a great way to learn how to break my nose.
~ Growing up, I thought our neighbor was a writer, but it turns out that his name was just “Arthur.”
~ When two vehicles approach a 4-way stop at the same time, the vehicle on the right has the right of way … unless the vehicle on the left is me.
~ I’ve set up a GoFundMe account for my next bail need. Planning ahead …
~ Some folks need to check their eyebrow to whole face ratio.
~ You can tell just by looking at some people that they reuse their tinfoil. #TrailerHoodLife
~ I just realized I’ve had my life on backwards this whole time.
~ There are 7 billion people in the world. And about 6 like me. Kinda …
~ Buying the really good toilet paper instead of the mediocre toilet paper is about the fanciest thing I’ve ever done.