~ The problem with pretending you’re ok is everybody believes you.
~ Never mistake my silence with ignorance. Sometimes what goes on around me just renders me speechless.
~ I would rather cross the line than just stare at it and wonder.
~ So today I spent a half hour watching a fly try to get out through a closed window… and the whole time I thought HE was the stupid one.
~ I wish people who don’t know how to parallel park would stop thinking today’s the day they’re gonna learn.
~ Yes, idiot who took two parking spaces… I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
~ Remind me again… why do women like to remind men about things men don’t need to be reminded of?
~ There is NO acceptable conversation starter in a men’s restroom.
~ I’m only two motivational posts away from being able to function in the outside world.
~ I had to return my slim-fit shirt… and get it in a slim-FAT.
~ At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple and called it red. And people just sat there and let that happen.
~ The worst kind of stupid is when they think they’re smart.
~ I’ve got all my affairs in order in case I die. Not my financial or legal affairs, but OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) knows to clear my browser history.
~ My Hickville Holler (Pop 2) TrailerHood neighbor went to Wal*Mart in his pajamas and came out married to his cousin.
~ I hate it when I gain 20 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not an actor.
~ My sex tape is the security camera at my last job capturing me pulling out a wedgie…
~ Time Magazine included Kanye and Kim on their 100 Most Influential People list. What a wonderful time to be alive.
~ The most important advice I passed on to my daughter… don’t pluck your eyebrows after 6 Jack and Cokes.
~ Technically, I don’t have to do anything until OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) wakes up and realizes I’m not doing anything.
~ As a condition of my parole, I’m required to post that I am not allowed within 500 feet of a church… school… Wal*Mart…
~ One time I held a stud finder up to my chest and made it beep and OWN’s (‘Ol Weird Nancy’s) eyes rolled so hard the ground shook.
~ Every time I walk into a buffet, I hear the Jaws theme…
~ I’m not a stalker, per se. I’m just an unpaid private investigator.
~ I really hope my obituary contains the phrase “hail of bullets.”
~ I bet the worst thing about having drawn on eyebrows is having to rub them off and redraw them at 45 degree angles when you’re angry.
~ I’m pretty much 100% vegetarian… except for fish, animal meat, poultry and Slim Jims.
~ I saw two guys arguing in sign language today. Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
~ This morning, my 84 year old Hickville Holler (Pop 2) TrailerHood neighbor came after me with both legs through one leg of her drawers… claiming I’d stolen the other hole. That was a good time.
~ I never get picked for jury duty because I’m too real.
~ I heard a guy talking about how he “almost” won the lottery. So, bottom line… he’s still a loser.
~ I’m not sure how to feel about how I feel.
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) keeps “get well cards” handy so if friends come over, they’ll think she’s been sick and unable to clean.
~ I want to believe that my life is meaningful, but realistically speaking, I’ll probably be that guy who dies after eating expired lunch meat.
~ People frequently ask me if I’m like my Social Media persona in real life and the answer is, “Yes.” I sit silently for 2-3 hours until I blurt out a short phrase.
~ I feel like I’ve been in an eating contest for 53 years.
~ Someone needs to set the motion sensor on Wal*Mart’s restroom sinks so I can wash my hands for longer than 0.0000251 seconds at a time.