~ For Halloween, I think I’m gonna dress up as a confident, productive member of society. Nobody will recognize me.
~ If I had to describe myself in one word, it would be “doesn’t understand directions.”
~ “Tub” is my favorite unit of measurement for food.
~ Truck commercials seriously overestimate my knowledge and need for “torque.”
~ Hey commercials, I’ve been to a laundromat… and the people who you think are there aren’t there.
~ I went extreme couponing this morning. I only had one coupon and it expired two weeks ago, but I stabbed someone.
~ Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) got so excited the pancake batter she was making is all over the walls and the cat has black eye.
~ I remember my anticipation of having a kid matches how I feel when the beverage cart gets close to my airplane row.
~ If you want to know what working at my last job was like, repeatedly slam your face into a brick wall then have someone tell you how bad of a job you did.
~ My parents’ safe word was my name…
~ “Your call is very important to us… so please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.”
~ I once went to a pond dressed as a giant duck and threw entire loaves of bread at people.
~ Most of what OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) calls “cooking” is just her melting cheese on stuff.
~ When OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) and I are arguing and she says, “You know what…” that argument is about to get awesome.
~ My Hickville Holler (Pop 2) TrailerHood neighbor’s knuckle tats read: P-L-A-N A-H-E-A
~ As I drink my 2% milk every morning, it makes me wonder what the other 98% is.
~ Every Monday I volunteer a few hours of my time at the local soup kitchen teaching homeless people how to Instagram their soup.
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) had seen all of my outfits by the time we were on our second date.
~ Driving is one of the Top-Three items on my list of things to do while I’m driving.
~ I still haven’t figured out why a sports and fitness category even exist on Netflix. That’s the whole reason I have Netflix… because I don’t do sports or fitness.
~ I get very upset when a True Crime show posts, “That was a reenactment.” Oh? Really?
~ If I’m guilty of anything, it’s that I’m guilty of everything.
~ The person you will spend your whole life trying to please is the same person whose cell phone will go off at your funeral.
~ I iron out my problems like I iron out my clothes… I make them much worse until they require the help of a professional.
~ There should be an “I’d rather die than attend this” option on Facebook invites…
~ Depression: where nothing matters and everything is a big deal.
~ The cat licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard and earned an online degree from ITT Tech.
~ I consistently overestimate the amount of food that can comfortably fit in a tortilla.
~ Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
~ I wonder if Waldo’s parents are worried sick?
~ I open a Capri Sun like I’m giving my former boss an adrenaline shot to her heart.
~ You’ve reached a whole new level of depression when the girl working the Arby’s drive-thru asks if you’re ok.
~ If you stacked up ALL the pancakes in the World, then I’d be there for breakfast.
~ I remember once eating at my kid’s pretend restaurant years ago. The service was horrible and the prices were outrageous.
~ So my TrailerHood neighbor asked me today, “Dude what if like kids keep coming inside with dirty shoes? The earth will be gone cuz all the dirt’s inside now…” I think I may need to move.
~ I’m emotionally ready to inherit a large sum of money.