~ I could hardly sleep last night because I was too excited about breakfast.
~ Social Media has given me a whole new world of people to disappoint.
~ My key to preventing identity theft is having really crappy credit.
~ The older I get, … Dammit. I forgot.
~ Please continue to hold. Your call is important to us — but not important enough to make us hire enough staff to handle normal call volume.
~ I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
~ I’ll be running late ALL day since I overslept this morning. I accidentally set my calculator for $7.30…
~ I’m so out of shape I had a nightmare that I was running away from something… and I’m still sore.
~ Causing a scene runs in my family.
~ I’m only getting fat to make sure that I’ll bounce when I finally hit rock bottom.
~ I hate when people make eye contact as I close the trunk.
~ My skills include knowing that the person in front of me at the checkout will be a problem and abandoning all of my purchases and going home.
~ My Hickville Holler (Pop 2) TrailerHood neighbor’s 4-year-old just kicked me out of her tea party because I’m too “radical” on immigration.
~ Do people who drive minivans know they’re allowed to drive the same speed as the rest of us?
~ I’m completely uninterested in the reproductive capabilities of the 19 Duggar kids. So that’s enough, TLC.
~ I think I must’ve skipped over the part of life where you’re supposed to start liking jazz… and I’m pretty happy about that.
~ What a satisfying and perfectly portioned meal… I’ll take another dozen.
~ A snort laugh is the biggest compliment. IMHO.
~ Conspiracy theorists are all so dumb that I suspect they’ve been planted by a secret organization to distract us from what’s really going on…
~ I operate with the subtlety of a garbage truck.
~ I’m smart… but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
~ My real dream job is to name crayons for Crayola.
~ Okay, look… what I CAN tell you is that if you buy 6 pounds of Skittles at the bulk food market, people will look at you weird.
~ Defrosting in the microwave is a myth… like Santa and leprechauns and one size fits all.
~ My time is pretty evenly divided between complaining about being hungry, eating, and complaining about how full I am.
~ I regret 100% of the naps I don’t take.
~ I have never thought to myself, “There’s no way I can eat all that bacon.”
~ I think people would have an easier time merging if they had big long ramps at the entrance, so they could get up to highway speeds. Oh… wait…
~ I always assume that the next burrito is filled with hopes and dreams.
~ Never drive behind a PT Cruiser owner. They’re obviously prone to making bad decisions. Don’t be behind them when they make the next one.
~ If my smoke detector has the power to beep a thousand times, its battery is just fine.
~ I might be poor in finances, but I’m rich in friendship and self-delusion.
~ I have never found any proof in any pudding.
~ Celery is a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
~ It’s totally OK to ask for help sometimes. Just not from me.
~ If heaven is missing an angel… I bet this lady in the Wal*Mart check-out line ate it. WOW!
~ I like to follow police cars with their sirens going and pretend I’m getting an escort.
~ I’m feeling like the before picture today.