jester journals

Weird Ramblings from a Warped Mind


Weird Ramblings From A Warped Mind… 10-15-2015

~ I could hardly sleep last night because I was too excited about breakfast.

~ Social Media has given me a whole new world of people to disappoint.

~ My key to preventing identity theft is having really crappy credit.

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~ The older I get, … Dammit. I forgot.

~ Please continue to hold. Your call is important to us — but not important enough to make us hire enough staff to handle normal call volume.

~ I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.

~ I’ll be running late ALL day since I overslept this morning. I accidentally set my calculator for $7.30…

~ I’m so out of shape I had a nightmare that I was running away from something… and I’m still sore.

~ Causing a scene runs in my family.

~ I’m only getting fat to make sure that I’ll bounce when I finally hit rock bottom.

~ I hate when people make eye contact as I close the trunk.

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~ My skills include knowing that the person in front of me at the checkout will be a problem and abandoning all of my purchases and going home.

~ My Hickville Holler (Pop 2) TrailerHood neighbor’s 4-year-old just kicked me out of her tea party because I’m too “radical” on immigration.

~ Do people who drive minivans know they’re allowed to drive the same speed as the rest of us?

~ I’m completely uninterested in the reproductive capabilities of the 19 Duggar kids. So that’s enough, TLC.

~ I think I must’ve skipped over the part of life where you’re supposed to start liking jazz… and I’m pretty happy about that.

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~ What a satisfying and perfectly portioned meal… I’ll take another dozen.

~ A snort laugh is the biggest compliment. IMHO.

~ Conspiracy theorists are all so dumb that I suspect they’ve been planted by a secret organization to distract us from what’s really going on…

~ I operate with the subtlety of a garbage truck.

~ I’m smart… but not “know when to stop eating” smart.

~ My real dream job is to name crayons for Crayola.

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~ Okay, look… what I CAN tell you is that if you buy 6 pounds of Skittles at the bulk food market, people will look at you weird.

~ Defrosting in the microwave is a myth… like Santa and leprechauns and one size fits all.

~ My time is pretty evenly divided between complaining about being hungry, eating, and complaining about how full I am.

~ I regret 100% of the naps I don’t take.

~ I have never thought to myself, “There’s no way I can eat all that bacon.”

~ I think people would have an easier time merging if they had big long ramps at the entrance, so they could get up to highway speeds. Oh… wait…

~ I always assume that the next burrito is filled with hopes and dreams.

~ Never drive behind a PT Cruiser owner. They’re obviously prone to making bad decisions. Don’t be behind them when they make the next one.

~ If my smoke detector has the power to beep a thousand times, its battery is just fine.

~ I might be poor in finances, but I’m rich in friendship and self-delusion.

~ I have never found any proof in any pudding.

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~ Celery is a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.

~ It’s totally OK to ask for help sometimes. Just not from me.

~ If heaven is missing an angel… I bet this lady in the Wal*Mart check-out line ate it. WOW!

~ I like to follow police cars with their sirens going and pretend I’m getting an escort.

~ I’m feeling like the before picture today.

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