~ You think you know someone until they call Fall “Autumn” and then you start noticing everything else that’s wrong with them.
~ The local Hickville Holler (Pop 2) community access channel debuted “Possum Coroner” last night.
~ Train A leaves Station B in 32 minutes. Train C arrives at Station B in 30 minutes. Using a pencil and paper, write down your ATM pin.
~ Whenever I come across someone having a bad day, I always set aside a few minutes to ignore them, because I don’t want to ruin my day, too.
~ Throwing away someone’s Lean Cuisine to make more room for beer in the company fridge was frowned upon by the HR Department at my last job.
~ Nothing screams “Excellent Customer Service” quite like a nice, classy, face tattoo.
~ Kissing a sleeping woman worked out much better for the prince in Sleeping Beauty than it did for me on the bus today.
~ My check engine light came on, and when I checked, the engine was still there. So what now?
~ I’m no expert, but I’m pretty sure your teeth should be whiter than your skin.
~ I came here to chew gum and talk about Alzheimer’s… and I’m all out of pickles.
~ A group of husbands is called a “Disappointment.”
~ I feel like I’d be a better person if I was another person.
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) finds it hard to believe that a man with a college degree doesn’t know not to wash a white towel with a load of darks… yet here we are.
~ Bay of Pigs II is coming out. It’s a documentary about the Kardashians’ vacation in Lake Havasu.
~ I add melted butter to steamed broccoli until it floats.
~ I went to buy a new swimsuit today and the only thing I came close to fitting into was the dressing room.
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) likes to ask me about my weekend, but what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
~ I wish I was cute enough to be mysterious instead of creepy.
~ If you’re wondering why my shirts are so tight it’s because I have the body of a guy that can’t afford to buy himself new shirts.
~ I dropped OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) off at Target about $1230 ago.
~ If I fell down in the woods and nobody was around, would I make a sound?
~ My favorite post on every selfie is, “You are so brave.”
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) likes to wake up early just to cut the crust off my sandwiches for lunch. She knows the crust is my favorite part. She just hates me so much.
~ My neighbor’s kid just told me their hamster died… and it took all of my power not to comment “Did they fall asleep at the wheel?”
~ I’m God’s gift to women… if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
~ My handwriting has slowly morphed from doctor to serial killer to elephant with a paintbrush.
~ Instead of going to Starbucks, I now just make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.
~ I like my women like I like my chairs: waiting there patiently hoping for a chance to touch my butt.
~ Ladies, never buy Activia yogurt because the rest of us are in line behind you thinking “Awww, that poor girl can’t poop without yogurt!”
~ I like to turn to complete strangers behind me in McDonalds and ask them, ”What are u gonna get?”
~ So I’ve found that eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as I had anticipated.
~ I once faked drowning at the pool so the gorgeous lifeguard would give me CPR… but they shocked me with paddles and I pooped my trunks.
~ I’m thinking that “Take Your Child to Work Day” must be awkward at the dildo factory.
~ Googling your symptoms when you don’t feel well is the most efficient way to convince yourself you have an inoperable brain tumor.
~ I’m sick of being the guy everyone comes to when they want the money I owe them.