~ I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve never finished lower than second place in every fight I’ve ever been in.
~ “Because you’re worth it,” I whisper to myself as I pour my third glass of Jack.
~ A really good beauty tip you don’t hear very often is, “Don’t be a bitch.”
~ People said memorizing all the Beastie Boys’ lyrics was pointless, but I must admit, everyone at my competency hearing seemed impressed.
~ I have just enough motivation to procrastinate.
~ I always try to come out of the gate terribly disappointing and so I can keep expectations on a manageable level.
~ Just because I’m not fit to judge you doesn’t mean that I won’t.
~ Yesterday, OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car was making … and two of the auto mechanics asked her out.
~ People keep telling me “Don’t be stupid” … like I have some kinda say in the matter.
~ A friend of mine is in a running club. Like … he runs for fun. I’m seriously reevaluating our friendship since we obviously have nothing in common.
~ What makes a “Jay bird” more naked than other birds?
~ It’s not stalking. It’s me getting to know you … like a pro.
~ I’m at my most British in the summer when people have to wear sunglasses to reflect the bright glare of my pasty white skin.
~ I’m pretty sure the guy doing eye exams at the The Wal*Marts Vision Center is the same guy that rotated my tires there last week.
Male oculist holding eye chart and glasses
~ I’ve done things for powdered donuts that I’m ashamed of.
~ I pride myself on rarely knowing what the hell is going on.
~ Every day is just a 24-hour reminder of how I screwed things up.
~ Pound for pound I was the best fighter in the Yankee Candle shop today.
~ I never let someone who didn’t finish high school tell me that I have to pay for extra dipping sauce.
590,852