~ I don’t think these women today realize how handsome my mom used to say I was…
~ I always hate it when I’m on the treadmill and accidentally hit the stop button and go to a nearby restaurant and eat a burrito…
~ Man, I am fat. I need to stop enjoying life.
~ Some guy called OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) “Ma’am” today… so now everybody’s night is ruined.
~ 81% of being a man is just wondering where things are.
~ Does being a “walking disaster” count as a job or hobby?
~ The fact that “pier” doesn’t define something that is “more pie” is why the English language fails me.
~ Our daughter has a magic dog. He’s a Chocolate Labracadabrador.
~ I bet the YMCA dance is a darn lot harder to do in Chinese.
~ Sorry I hung up on you… I didn’t mean to answer the call.
~ I actually went to a keg-less funeral last week. Talk about a total waste of time…
~ Everyone from last night’s police lineup went out for pizza afterwards… except for #4.
~ I take typos way too serious, you gays.
~ The best thing about me not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
~ I put the me in lame.
~ I bumped into a woman at Wal*Mart today and her groceries spilled to the ground. She didn’t even thank me for not stepping on them as I walked away. Rude!
~ Nothing says “classy” like having a sofa on your front porch.
~ That which doesn’t kill you makes you miserable to listen to at a dinner party.
~ It’s not that I’m grumpy… its just that I just hate you.
~ I never miss an opportunity to tell someone how stupid they are.
~ Sometimes I think I could get away with murder, but then I remember I can’t even eat pancakes without getting syrup all over me.