~ Have you ever just looked at someone and knew exactly how many hours a week they shop at Wal*Mart?
~ Not caring is so much harder than it sounds.
~ You say wandering around aimlessly like it’s a bad thing.
~ If I die at Wal*Mart… please drag my body to Target before calling 911. Thank you.
~ Sometimes I wonder if all this is happening because I didn’t forward that email to 10 people.
~ Over the years, I’ve learned a lot about women, but there is always one basic golden rule… you can always be wrong about everything.
~ I’ve never seen a mug shot where the person didn’t look guilty of all the crimes ever.
~ I love when someone tells me that something is a mute point… so I know not to ever listen to another word they say.
~ Every time I ever clapped at a school play… it was a lie.
~ If you use the word chillax, it makes me want to murkill you.
~ I made a mistake and ordered the “Wiccan” furniture and now our living room is haunted.
~ I’m sorry… but if your kid is dumb enough to eat a laundry pod maybe you need to try again anyway.
~ I’m like the most fun ever if you wanna just nap a lot.
~ I’ve been saying “I’m gonna hit the gym tomorrow” since 1982.
~ If at first you don’t succeed, maybe you’re just a screw up.
~ If a woman speaks and no one is listening, chances are good her name is OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy).
~ I used to eat spaghetti in my underwear… but now I use a bowl.
~ Statistically speaking, I’m not the only one who considers Doritos a vegetable.
~ Go ahead and brag about your golf game and awesome gym workout… I cleaned the dryer vent today.