~ The reason I’ve been married so long is I’m good at being wrong.
~ Using the correct words is overraided.
~ Winning an argument with OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) is like getting first prize in a “Who Wants to Sleep on the Couch” contest.
~ My goal in life was to just be successful enough to sign my kid up for soccer without having to ask how much it cost.
~ My one goal in life is to tell OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) something she doesn’t already know.
~ I’m proof that you don’t have to be a professional athlete to be listed as inactive.
~ Sometimes I think about being taller and thinner and wealthier and healthier and happier. Weird right?
~ I’ve made it to that level of success where I have to call dibs on the TV that I bought with the cable I pay for in the house that I own.
~ If anyone needs a favor, let me know. I love helping people … $75 per hour.
~ I spoke to my doctor about my mild to moderate joint pain and he suggested I, “Stop acting like such a little bitch.” Results may vary.
~ If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
~ I don’t think about the friends I’ve lost over the years. It’s only because they’ve found more interesting people to spend time with.
~ The most adventurous thing I’ve ever done with my North Face jacket was finally pay it off.
~ There are only two ways to fix something. The right way and the way I would fix it.
~ What’s a word that means longer than forever … because that’s how long OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) says she’s been married.
~ I’m going to track down the kid from high school that voted me “most likely to gain 80 pounds” and ask him for some lottery numbers.
~ I’m like if a cheap bottle of alcohol and a 400 credit score had a baby.
~ Any man brave enough to drive a mini-van to a bar should get his first 3 drinks free.