~ I stock Dollar Store toilet paper in the guest bathroom so they won’t stay long.
~ The Wal*Marts is a physical manifestation of the “Comments Section.”
~ My favorite “Serving Size” ~ The Amount I Can Eat Without Vomiting …
~ If I smile back at you, guaranteed something smart is about to come outta my mouth.
~ This morning, I lay in bed for twenty minutes with a nagging, screaming headache before she got up, got dressed and went to work.
~ In an ironic twist, OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) doesn’t think I’m funny either.
~ A lot of my confidence comes from being delusional.
~ I have the self-confidence of a much better-looking man.
~ Soooo … I guess it’s considered rude to dry heave when someone shows you their new baby?
~ I’m starting to think a celebrity isn’t going to adopt me.
~ I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming.
~ How long do I have to lay on my couch in the same position before I can call it yoga?
~ Sometimes there’s room for improvement, and sometimes there’s only enough space for alcohol.
~ When I die, I want my tombstone to have free WiFi, so people visit
~ When I treated others the way I wanted to be treated, I had to take sexual harassment training.
~ I think it’s weird the way my liver and my dignity never seem to work at the same time.
~ Whew!! I thought I was paralyzed but it turns out I’m just lazy.
~ Not everyone was Kung Fu fighting … some of us were trying to break it up.
~ I don’t even care if it’s a scam … just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
~ With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.