jester journals

Weird Ramblings from a Warped Mind


Weird Ramblings From A Warped Mind… 1-18-2016

~ You don’t really know someone until you’ve seen how they run.

~ We put a man on the moon 45 years ago, but we can’t figure out how to make diet soda not taste like butt?

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~ I once got dehydrated just thinking about getting out of bed.

~ All I want is to just be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me.

~ When we eat out, I just throw food on my shirt as soon as it’s served to get it over with.

~ She can never find her cars keys, but she sure won’t forget that time I checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.

~ My nickname at my old job was, “That guy over there with the stank face.”

~ Chocolate milk and Doritos may not be the breakfast of Champions, but it’s the breakfast of a middle-aged man who doesn’t give a damn.

~ I’m already tired tomorrow.

~ Sloth is my favorite animal that doubles as an adjective of my general lifestyle.

~ I want to be the reason coffee comes out of your nostrils.

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~ I try not to sound like a DorkHead, but it’s really hard because I am a DorkHead.

~ So today I yelled at a guy to slow down in the parking lot and suddenly a walker appeared and I was wearing black socks pulled up to my knees.

~ The only thing lower than my self-esteem are my standards.

~ After being escorted out of An Outback over the weekend, I learned the “No rules” is just a “marketing” thing.

~ Mirror, mirror in the fridge, who’s the worst at feng shui?

~ Not to brag, but the way I loaded the dishwasher tonight made my OWN’s (‘Ol Weird Nancy’s) toes curl.

~ I come from a long line of people who ruin things.

~ Probably the main reason I refuse to go to the gym is because I don’t want to be out of breath if someone asks me to play the flute later.

~ So many women missed out on the utter disappointment I provide.

~ I don’t remember the minister in our pre-marriage counseling talking about my chewing volume… I think a heads up on that would’ve been helpful since IT SEEMS TO BE SUCH A BIG DEAL!!

~ I started juicing 3 days ago and I’ve already lost a ton of sanity.

~ It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.

~ I’ve never defused a bomb, but I have prevented my elderly neighbor from exploding on whipper-snappers for not pulling up their saggy britches.

~ My Hickville Holler (Pop 2) TrailerHood neighbor’s baby is terrible at dodgeball.

~ If you smell Axe body spray on your lawyer prepare to go to jail.

~ I find it feels so liberating to be part of the problem.

~ Wal*Mart sells bras… and yet so few of their customers ever wear them.

~ I’m not 100% sure what rock bottom is, but I think it might involve drinking alcohol out of a bag.

~ I hate it when my unfiltered thoughts escape through my mouth…

~ When I was a kid I used to eat spaghetti in just my underwear… but now I use a bowl.

~ I solve the majority of my problems by not caring.

~ Years ago I had a tendency to drink too much, dance on tables and kiss random women… which is why I spent so much time in the HR office.

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~ On a GOOD day it only takes me about an hour to complete a 20-minute workout.

~ I’m at that age where “getting lucky” is just barely making it to the toilet in time.

~ I would try and explain it to you, but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.

~ I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.

~ If you ever hear me say “I got this”…rest assured, I don’t.

~ I got cathartic and catheter mixed up and now I’m banned from yoga class.

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