~ You don’t really know someone until you’ve seen how they run.
~ We put a man on the moon 45 years ago, but we can’t figure out how to make diet soda not taste like butt?
~ I once got dehydrated just thinking about getting out of bed.
~ All I want is to just be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me.
~ When we eat out, I just throw food on my shirt as soon as it’s served to get it over with.
~ She can never find her cars keys, but she sure won’t forget that time I checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
~ My nickname at my old job was, “That guy over there with the stank face.”
~ Chocolate milk and Doritos may not be the breakfast of Champions, but it’s the breakfast of a middle-aged man who doesn’t give a damn.
~ I’m already tired tomorrow.
~ Sloth is my favorite animal that doubles as an adjective of my general lifestyle.
~ I want to be the reason coffee comes out of your nostrils.
~ I try not to sound like a DorkHead, but it’s really hard because I am a DorkHead.
~ So today I yelled at a guy to slow down in the parking lot and suddenly a walker appeared and I was wearing black socks pulled up to my knees.
~ The only thing lower than my self-esteem are my standards.
~ After being escorted out of An Outback over the weekend, I learned the “No rules” is just a “marketing” thing.
~ Mirror, mirror in the fridge, who’s the worst at feng shui?
~ Not to brag, but the way I loaded the dishwasher tonight made my OWN’s (‘Ol Weird Nancy’s) toes curl.
~ I come from a long line of people who ruin things.
~ Probably the main reason I refuse to go to the gym is because I don’t want to be out of breath if someone asks me to play the flute later.
~ So many women missed out on the utter disappointment I provide.
~ I don’t remember the minister in our pre-marriage counseling talking about my chewing volume… I think a heads up on that would’ve been helpful since IT SEEMS TO BE SUCH A BIG DEAL!!
~ I started juicing 3 days ago and I’ve already lost a ton of sanity.
~ It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
~ I’ve never defused a bomb, but I have prevented my elderly neighbor from exploding on whipper-snappers for not pulling up their saggy britches.
~ My Hickville Holler (Pop 2) TrailerHood neighbor’s baby is terrible at dodgeball.
~ If you smell Axe body spray on your lawyer prepare to go to jail.
~ I find it feels so liberating to be part of the problem.
~ Wal*Mart sells bras… and yet so few of their customers ever wear them.
~ I’m not 100% sure what rock bottom is, but I think it might involve drinking alcohol out of a bag.
~ I hate it when my unfiltered thoughts escape through my mouth…
~ When I was a kid I used to eat spaghetti in just my underwear… but now I use a bowl.
~ I solve the majority of my problems by not caring.
~ Years ago I had a tendency to drink too much, dance on tables and kiss random women… which is why I spent so much time in the HR office.
~ On a GOOD day it only takes me about an hour to complete a 20-minute workout.
~ I’m at that age where “getting lucky” is just barely making it to the toilet in time.
~ I would try and explain it to you, but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
~ I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
~ If you ever hear me say “I got this”…rest assured, I don’t.
~ I got cathartic and catheter mixed up and now I’m banned from yoga class.