~ I told OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) she punched me in the face while she was sleeping last night. She apologized, but said she totally remembered being awake for that.
~ I wish OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) would stop interrogating me and just tell me if I’m supposed to like her hair.
~ I don’t always act my age, but when I do, I get suuuuuuper bored.
~ I had no idea it would take so many Robin eggs to make a decent omelet…
~ I’ve been told I’m capable of speaking pearls of ignorance… people are amazed at the high level of stupidity I’m capable of saying.
~ I’m no artist, but I can draw some awesome conclusions.
~ I’ve learned that when you tell people how you actually feel, they usually don’t ask how you’re doing ever again.
~ If you eat a veggie burger while driving your Prius and playing the new Sting album you become Lord High Commander of all the Whole Foods.
~ I could tell by the look on the lady’s face in the stall next to me that it wasn’t the right time to play Peek-a-Boo.
~ Is it “I just ate 15 toaster strudelS” or “I just ate 15 toasterS strudel?” I don’t want the people at this ER to think I’m an idiot.
~ There’s always that one guy at McDonalds that ordered twenty years ago that’s still waiting on his food.
~ One of these days, I’d like to sneak a ramp into the middle of a NASCAR track.
~ I just lost a 15-minute battle with the cling wrap…
~ I’m always the life of the party… the pity party.
~ I’m sorry… I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. So I’m just going to go ahead and judge you.
~ I put the “fun” in functioning borderline personality disorder.
~ Relationship Status: Just came home from a five-day road trip and OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) said “You were gone?”
~ I don’t think I get enough credit for still being alive.
~ So I’ve been on this diet for like 11 minutes. When am I supposed to see results?
~ It doesn’t matter how I know the liquor store has layaway, all that you need to know is that it does.
~ At my age, each inspirational tweet is like throwing a brick into the Grand Canyon.
~ Want people to leave you alone? Tuck in your sweater.
~ Some of the most amazing moments of my life have never required a spoken word.
~ My signature move is digging in the trash to find the cooking instructions before I burn a meal.
~ I would love to stay and socialize but I’m lying.
~ If someone leaves their car windows cracked because it’s hot outside, I slip unwrapped Kraft Singles into their car.
~ If money can’t buy happiness, explain murder-for-hire.
~ Guy tip: If you run like a girl, don’t ever be late for anything.
~ If your taxi driver smells like axe body spray, you’re about to get super lost.
~ I hate that OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) never believes my Scrabble words are real, and she’s so broamy about it.
~ Does anyone know the number for the NSA? My hard-drive crashed and I want them to send me a copy.
~ I know a thing or two about screwing a bunch of stuff up.
~ I don’t always follow my dreams, but when I do, I get really upset with the outcome.
~ It must be fantastic to have so much money that you don’t have to pay for dinner at the drive-thru with change the day before you get paid.
~ Why are red lights the longest when you’re already late?
~ I’m hoping that one day I’ll get to ride a kayak while it’s strapped to the top of someone’s car.