jester journals

Weird Ramblings from a Warped Mind

The Great Hunter

As hard as THIS is to believe… I was just puttin’ along… mindin’ my own business… mowin’ the grass for OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy). Now, although I would appear to be in LaLa land, nothing could be further from the truth. My mind is always on guard. I miss nothing. So to the untrained eye, it appeared that I was just going through the motions of a redundant chore, but when danger appeared, I was prepared as always.

I saw the slither before it even registered in my brain. As a trained professional, I was prepared for any contingency. I knew exactly what to do. I acted just like I had planned in case this particular event happened… I screamed like girl and tried to turn the mower around as quickly as I could.

Sadly… the only thing that actually HEARD my scream was the neighbor’s dog because the pitch was so high. The Mormon Tabernacle Choir will probably be calling me shortly. And I turned the mower so sharp at the same time I applied FULL throttle, that the only thing that actually moved was my butt… OFF the mower. And into the grass. With the thing that was slithering.

Now I’m not sure if you have ever been eye to eye with a Burmese Python, but let me tell you, a Cotton Mouth Moccasin is one ugly thing. Everything seemed to go into slow motion… which actually gave me time to count all 67 rattles on this snake’s tail. The next thing I knew, he had reared up and flattened out his head like all Cobras do when threatened. And I was SOOOO glad he felt threatened. I sure didn’t want to be the only one that felt that way.

Have you ever had a dream where you WILL your body to do something, but it just won’t cooperate? Like your nose itches, but you can’t get your hand to scratch it? Well… I WILLED my legs and feet to run, but they didn’t seem to want to cooperate. At least, not at the speed that I wanted. But the finally kicked in and I made it to the garage… hoarse as could be. It was then that I realized that the tornado sirens were not being tested. I was STILL screaming like a girl.

Knowing that the job was not complete, I grabbed a shovel and headed back to war front to finish the battle. I crept up behind the mower fully expecting that he had retreated. But no… THAT would have been too easy. He was still laying there about four feet away. I crouched down to get my courage… I mean to regain my strength, and I jumped out yelling at the top of my lungs with the shovel high over my head.

Now… you may ask… WHY would you run towards a snake screaming at the top of your lungs when a snake doesn’t have ears? I don’t know. But at the time, it seemed like the right thing to do. But anyway, I jumped on his butt with that shovel like there was no tomorrow. I pounded him until I expected him to be one with the earth. After a fierce battle, I was proud to say I had beat the crap out of an old bungee cord. But it WAS black.

I plan to have it mounted and will display it proudly.

And that’s MY take.