This past week I saw something at Lisa’s Gas Station and Day Spa that sparked my interest. I know our 30th anniversary is coming up in a few months and I have been looking for a little something extra for OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy). What I came across was a 100,000 volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety…. WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I’d get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. And the one on the stove. And the three on the fridge .
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!!!
There I sat in my recliner, the dog, Bernie, looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Bernie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. He is such a great dog. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of boxers and a t-shirt with my glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose (so I could look OVER them to read the small print), directions in one hand, taser in the other. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5″ long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries, thinking to myself, “no possible way!”
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best…..
I’m sitting there alone, Bernie looking on with his head cocked to one side as to say, “don’t do it master,” reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$@$%!@ *!!!
I’m pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.
The dog was standing over me making growling sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to himself, “do it again, do it again!”
Note: If you ever feel compelled to “mug” yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.
SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like he**!!! A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh, and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I’m still looking for my testicles? I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return…
There ain’t no WAY I’m putting this weapon in her hands. I’ll get her something safer… like a bazooka.
And that’s MY take.