~ I’ve been contemplating legally changing my name to ‘The End’ so that all good things must come to me.
~ I just saw a commercial for Flexible Hose. This is one of those times when spelling REALLY counts.
~ I should be a de-motivational speaker. I’ll just sit around and talk people out of doing whatever.
~ A Prius just passed me on the highway and Siri downloaded Melissa Etheridge’s greatest hits to my phone.
~ As I’m running out of funny stuff to say, I find I understand SNL more and more.
~ With the obesity epidemic in America I wonder if Lowes has considered circular Hobbit style doorways yet?
~ I’m not exactly sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
~ Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
~ If she hears a bang when she’s driving OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) just assumes she broke the sound barrier. She has NO IDEA where all those dents are coming from though.
~ The best sunscreen ever… Xbox 360.
~ Whenever you’re feeling really bad about yourself just remember, there’s people that pay money to exercise.
~ I live with HEAVY guilt knowing I’m responsible for the deaths of 100’s local singles in my area. They were dying to meet me & I did nothing. I did nothing!
~ Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks: Lying.
~ I am absolutely not afraid to stand up to OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) when she is not looking.
~ If my former boss was drowning or if she was dangling from a cliff-edge and I had the only rope to save her… I wonder where I would hide it?
~ It’s always nice to feel wanted… even if it is by the FBI.
~ After learning all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color, I sadly deleted a 583 page PhD thesis.
~ To you ‘No news is good news.’ To me it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
~ I was talking about planets with my 8 year old neighbor and he asked if you can just plow thru Uranus because it’s all gas. I could not respond maturely.
~ My dance moves are best described as somewhere between “dog being shocked by an electric fence” and “squirrel crossing the road.”
~ Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field is NEVER hiring.
~ If a tiger were attacking my former boss and President Obama at the same time, whom would I save? Of course, the tiger… since very few are left.
~ SO when OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) told me “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” didn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam. My bad…
~ In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
~ I just read a news story about someone finding a dead body at a Wal*Mart. HOW EMBARRASING. I would NEVER be caught dead at Wal*Mart.
~ Nothing says ” My divorce didn’t go as planned ” quite like the guy with grocery bags hanging on the sides of his bicycles handlebars.
~ The Gym is a lot like Church… everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
~ 3. The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner.
~ I can do 50-100 pushups… depending on how many weeks you give me.
~ Parents with 1st kid: *Peels grape and slices it into 84 tiny pieces. Parents with 4th kid: *Gives kid a knife and fork to cut their own steak.
~ The BEST use for my Oven Timer: Notifying my guests when their time is up I’m going to bed.
~ So I broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my trailer.
~ I really think if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.