~ When I shut my mouth and turn to walk away, it doesn’t mean you’ve won. it just means your stupidity is no longer worth my time. And coming from ME… THAT says a LOT!
~ I’m often in a mood where I don’t want to talk to anybody and just want to be left alone. I call this mood ‘being awake.’
~ I work from home… and STILL have a tough commute.
~ I put the “p” in “urinal”.
~ So OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) just took a pen as a weapon to investigate a noise. Break into our house and you’re getting a pen in the eye. Or a mustache. Whatever.
~ I told OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) “Sure, he’s more handsome. Wealthier, younger, more interesting. But, will he rub your back like me? Oh… he will? Ok I got nothing.”
~ Had I ever become a professional ice skater, 90% of my routine would have consisted of me scooting around on my ass.
~ Sorry… I can’t get out of bed today. The blankets have accepted me as one of their own. If I leave now I might lose their trust.
~ I just saw a store advertising an “Outdoor Living” section. Is that the new PC term for “Homeless?”
~ I TRY to like people, but they make it difficult.
~ My hobbies include sleeping, and disappointing everyone close to me.
~ Did you know Rabbis will not watch uncut movies? Just another “ThOm’s Little Known Facts.”
~ Trust me… it’s not what it looks like. It never is.
~ The reason my memory is terrible is probably because I’m using most of my brain space to try and remember 7000 passwords.
~ It REALLY scares people when they find out I’m taking my meds as prescribed… and I’m STILL this way.
~ I just heard a 2yo singing “A B C D M O U S E”, so I’m thinking those parents might be using the Disney channel as a third parent a little too often.
~ The best health advice I can give you is to do the opposite of everything I do.
~ If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom, don’t worry… that was just me trying to stand up.
~ My dreams are so bad that even Nicholas Cage wouldn’t star in them.
~ I saw a sign that read, “Please don’t encourage panhandlers.” So I went up to the first bum I saw and told him he was doing a great job… cause I’m just a rebel like that.
~ To those of you who have taken the time and effort to get to know the real me… don’t say I didn’t warn you.
~ Effective immediately, I’m implementing a zero tolerance policy. For everything.
~ Did you know the job applications at the YMCA do not have “The Village People” as an option for “How did you hear about us?”
~ It’s a shame stupidity isn’t physically painful.
~ I remember when my biggest worry was remembering my locker combination.
~ Near the top of my list of fears are strangers on the sidewalk with clipboards wanting a moment of my time.
~ Keep on and you’ll be the reason I get off with my insanity plea.
~ I’m on this new diet where I can’t afford food.
~ I’ve been “going to bed in 10 minutes” for the last 30 years.
~ I used to throw together whatever I could find on my kid and then give everybody the “I know! OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) dressed her.” story.
~ I’m REALLY wishing Wal*Mart would implement an IQ test before allowing folks to use the self-serve checkout.
~ My neighbor has been yelling “GET OFF MY LAWN” to the same garden gnome since 2008.
~ I am man, hear me not pay attention to you the first couple times you tell me something.
~ Apparently OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
~ A sticker on this lawnmower at Lowes says “Failure to read this may result in injury or death.” WOW! I’m not even buying it… but OK.