~ I had NO idea I was pregnant… until the expectant mother sign on my parking spot at Wal*Mart told me.
~ The cashier asked me if I wanted it “double bagged”… and I said, “No, you’re not THAT ugly.” And that’s why I’m not allowed in that WalGreens anymore.
~ IKEA is Swedish for “Here you do it.”
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
~ My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram…
~ I was bitten by a radioactive vegan… and now I have the power to bore people to death.
~ I still carry a condom in my wallet in case I can’t finish my corndog.
~ I don’t cry because it’s over… I smile because my fingerprints aren’t in the database.
~ If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply, “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions. #truth
~ Sometimes, just to annoy my Therapist, I’ll ask him; “so how does my lack of progress make you feel?”
~ I’m like that guy at the beginning of the infomercials that is unable to do simple things… like I just burn everything and I can’t figure out blankets.
~ I never tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said, “Hi.”
~ How I tell if OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) is mad at me: 1. She is.
~ I put “extremely organized” on my résumé… but now I don’t remember what folder I saved it in.
~ I keep graphic, full frontal nude pictures of myself on my cell phone in case anyone ever hacks it. That’ll teach ’em. They’ll NEVER unsee that.
~ Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
~ “Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview).
~ Nothing says, “Let’s be healthy but not TOO healthy,” like Diet Coke.
~ There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent. These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
~ There’s no limit to the things I can’t do.
~ While I try not to be rude… I WILL say what everyone else is thinking.
~ Sometimes I think I’m really smart, but then I remember that there are people that can do things like add and subtract without a calculator.
~ If Amazon really cared about me as a person, they wouldn’t allow me to make purchases after 12 am.
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) and I have a very serious relationship… we seldom even smile.
~ I had a dream that my former boss got run over by a road-grader last night. And this morning I thought, “Wow, that could have been me!” But I remembered I can’t drive a road-grader.
~ I’m reenacting the War of 1812 with 47 gummy bears until my meds finally kick in. And although casualties have been immense… they have also been delicious.
~ HR once told me I could have my nail gun back if passed a psych evaluation, but had I been sane I probably wouldn’t have needed it.
~ The problem with most of today’s children is that most of today’s grown-ups are idiots.
~ I ordered a Chicken-Pot-Pie… and got one with only Chicken.
~ My phone number is one digit off from a local restaurant’s. So I’ve learned to LOVE taking reservations.
~ I stopped in a WEIRD Rest Area last week. The guy in the stall next to me had four feet.
~ I must be looking extra good today because this dude with a backpack on the side of the road was giving me the big thumbs up. Thanks Bro!
~ I’m looking forward to the day someone will call me sir without adding, “I think we’re going to have to ask you to leave.” HEY!! It could happen.
~ The girl in front of me at Wal*Mart had a tattoo that said, “Only God Can Judge Me.” Yet there I stood…
~ Don’t tell me I don’t know the difference between right and wrong. Wrong is the fun one.
~ My former boss always made me want to be a bitter person.