jester journals

Weird Ramblings from a Warped Mind

More Ramblings From A Warped Mind… 2-10-2014

~ I had NO idea I was pregnant… until the expectant mother sign on my parking spot at Wal*Mart told me.

~ The cashier asked me if I wanted it “double bagged”… and I said, “No, you’re not THAT ugly.” And that’s why I’m not allowed in that WalGreens anymore.

~ IKEA is Swedish for “Here you do it.”

If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.

~ My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram…

~ I was bitten by a radioactive vegan… and now I have the power to bore people to death.

~ I still carry a condom in my wallet in case I can’t finish my corndog.

~ I don’t cry because it’s over… I smile because my fingerprints aren’t in the database.

~ If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply, “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions. #truth

~ Sometimes, just to annoy my Therapist, I’ll ask him; “so how does my lack of progress make you feel?”

~ I’m like that guy at the beginning of the infomercials that is unable to do simple things… like I just burn everything and I can’t figure out blankets.

~ I never tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said, “Hi.”

~ How I tell if OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) is mad at me: 1. She is.

~ I put “extremely organized” on my résumé… but now I don’t remember what folder I saved it in.

~ I keep graphic, full frontal nude pictures of myself on my cell phone in case anyone ever hacks it. That’ll teach ’em. They’ll NEVER unsee that.

~ Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.

~ “Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview).

~ Nothing says, “Let’s be healthy but not TOO healthy,” like Diet Coke.

~ There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent. These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.

~ There’s no limit to the things I can’t do.

~ While I try not to be rude… I WILL say what everyone else is thinking.

~ Sometimes I think I’m really smart, but then I remember that there are people that can do things like add and subtract without a calculator.

~ If Amazon really cared about me as a person, they wouldn’t allow me to make purchases after 12 am.

~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) and I have a very serious relationship… we seldom even smile.

~ I had a dream that my former boss got run over by a road-grader last night.  And this morning I thought, “Wow, that could have been me!”  But I remembered I can’t drive a road-grader.

~ I’m reenacting the War of 1812 with 47 gummy bears until my meds finally kick in. And although casualties have been immense… they have also been delicious.

~ HR once told me I could have my nail gun back if passed a psych evaluation, but had I been sane I probably wouldn’t have needed it.

~ The problem with most of today’s children is that most of today’s grown-ups are idiots.

~ I ordered a Chicken-Pot-Pie… and got one with only Chicken.

~ My phone number is one digit off from a local restaurant’s. So I’ve learned to LOVE taking reservations.

~ I stopped in a WEIRD Rest Area last week. The guy in the stall next to me had four feet.

~ I must be looking extra good today because this dude with a backpack on the side of the road was giving me the big thumbs up. Thanks Bro!

~ I’m looking forward to the day someone will call me sir without adding, “I think we’re going to have to ask you to leave.”  HEY!!  It could happen.

~ The girl in front of me at Wal*Mart had a tattoo that said, “Only God Can Judge Me.”  Yet there I stood…

~ Don’t tell me I don’t know the difference between right and wrong. Wrong is the fun one.

~ My former boss always made me want to be a bitter person.