~ The best part of having a tweet starred is the feeling that you entertained someone, even just for a second, that you’ll never meet.
~ I go to Taco Bell once a month just to replenish the napkin stash in my truck.
~ Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers: Please add: ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label. kthanksbye
~ Beer is so smart that if you drink enough, right around your midsection, it builds a shelf for you to rest bottles on.
~ There are 2 kinds of people: 1) Happy morning people 2) Cranky morning people that fantasize about killing the happy morning people.
~ I’m getting really irritated. I’ve been to TEN ATMs today that’s had “insufficient funds.” Don’t they ever restock these things??
~ “Oakland? Why in the hell would you want to go to Oakland?” Strangers should NOT ask me for directions.
~ I liven up a boring conversation by telling people I have a glass eye and then watching them try and figure out which one it is.
~ I’m starting my own superhero squad… The League of Pretty Okay Individuals Who’ll Help Out If It’s Not Too Much Trouble If There’s Pizza.
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) reminds me of the Adobe license agreement, because she asks me to make changes every day and I’m too scared to say anything but yes.
~ I had an uncle who was a world-famous chainsaw juggler. For one show.
~ I’ll admit I don’t know much about fashion, so I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
~ I wonder who’s wife invented the “add your location to your tweet” feature?
~ My kid asked what it is like to be married, so I deleted all the music on her Ipod except one song.
~ Poor OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) was so sick this morning … I had to carry her to the kitchen to make my breakfast.
~ There’s nothing like that feeling of solidarity when a line of cars work together to keep a butthead from merging in front of you.
~ It’s hard to sleep at night knowing there’s so many broke Nigerian princes out there.
~ I’d be more inclined to drink less and eat better if the years I’d be adding to my life wouldn’t be spent as a withered old man.
~ Probably the best financial advice I can give you is to just steal everything.
~ Sorry I ripped the TruckNutz off your “tricked out” Escalade, but you WERE parked across two spots.
~ I’m thinking of giving it all up to become a fatness guru.
~ I have no interest in a “family style” restaurant. I just always assume it’ll be me, surrounded by people I’ve disappointed, who won’t shut up about it.
~ Note to self: People in line at an all you can eat buffet really don’t like to be tickled.
~ You haven’t seen the heart of darkness until you’ve entered the only functioning stall in a rural Wal*Mart.
~ So you’re 30 and still single? There’s an app for that. Wait. My mistake. A cat… there’s a cat for that.
~ When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten. When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody EVER expects it.
~ Just a word to the wise… if your wife ask which of her girlfriends would you like to have a threesome with, don’t give her TWO names.
~ So I tried to imitate the Elf on the Shelf… didn’t go well. And on a related note, I look hideous in a leotard.
~ My neighbor gave his kid a whistle today. He is survived by his wife Linda. In lieu of flowers, donations can be made to my bail money fund.
~ If I was in Star Wars I would probably just be that guy that keeps turning his lightsaber on and off and on and off like a pen.
~ I was on the treadmill for 30 minutes today. Tomorrow I will turn it on.
~ The girl behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
~ My neighbor took his family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. He and his wife had chow mein and their kid built 3 iPhones.
~ My favorite religious fish has to be the holy mackerel.