jester journals

Weird Ramblings from a Warped Mind

More Ramblings From a Warped Mind… 12-4-2013

~ I heard a guy say, “At work, I gotta be awake!” – Like that’s an unusual requirement. Is anyone employed as a coma patient?

~ At one time I worked with a 250 pound girl who once said she could eat whatever she wants because she worked out… and I’M the one that was sent to HR.

~ Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.

~ My relationships are mostly just me apologizing for saying something I thought was hilarious.

` When OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) says “I can’t even tell you how upset I am right now” I normally only have to wait about 3 seconds to find out exactly how upset she is.

~ If you still believe that children are our future, make a visit to a mall.

~ Some people want a perfect relationship… I’d be happy with a cheeseburger that looks like the ones in commercials.

~ If you’re feeling down about yourself, it won’t help you to know that Honey Boo Boo makes more money than school teachers.

~ Each year an average of 10 people are killed by sharks while 100 people die being stepped on by cows. So where’s Cow Week, Discovery Channel?!

~ I joined a gym once. Twelve bystanders were injured… so much blood. Two people renounced their faith. And at night… I can still hear the treadmill screaming.

~ I find it kind of cruel that “stutter” has two syllables.

~ My moral compass just spins. And spins. And spins…

~ By the time anyone said anything worth writing down in the meetings at my last job, I’d usually already taken my pen apart and lost the spring.

~ I lost a very dear friend and drinking buddy in a tragic accident this weekend… he got his finger caught in a wedding band.

~ The Hickville Holler (Pop 2) Portrait Studio Backgrounds choices: 1. Autumn Leaves 2. Toenail Fungal Infection 3. Country Cabin 4. Alarmed Possum

~ I’m just grateful that I don’t have to draw on my eyebrows everyday because I would totally forget to do that.

~ My attention span is shorter than donuts are better with sprinkles.

~ I just saw a video of a snake that learned to open doors. I probably don’t need to sleep anymore anyway.

~ If we could all just agree that we’re fine, we’d never again have to ask each other how we are.

~ My last job had started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism. I never failed…

~ What I lack in imagination I make up for in… stuff.

~ I’m at the age where an “all-nighter” means I didn’t have to get up to pee.

~ I’m already an idiot… all I need is a village.

~ I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.

~ So today OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door… so I changed all of the locks.

~ The first person to ever call me a psycho was Lorraine from high school. Height 5’4, coffin size 84 by 28 by 23.

~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) finally got a “Brazilian”. He seems very nice.

~ People that pronounce vase like “voz” make me want to punch them in the foz.

~ I saw some ducks practicing their teenage girl faces down by the pond today.

~ I have said it before and I will say it again… if anyone is into wife swapping, I will take a dirtbike or a shotgun. Hit me up.

~ It’s not my job to judge other people. It’s more of a hobby, really.

~ If by “well-endowed” you mean I have a lot of money, then no, that doesn’t describe me… either.

~ These days opportunity texts “I’m here” from the driveway… because nobody knocks anymore.

~ I don’t normally gamble, but I do get strip mall Chinese food sometimes.

~ Everyone knows someone in real life that actually resembles a garden gnome.