~ I heard a guy say, “At work, I gotta be awake!” – Like that’s an unusual requirement. Is anyone employed as a coma patient?
~ At one time I worked with a 250 pound girl who once said she could eat whatever she wants because she worked out… and I’M the one that was sent to HR.
~ Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
~ My relationships are mostly just me apologizing for saying something I thought was hilarious.
` When OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) says “I can’t even tell you how upset I am right now” I normally only have to wait about 3 seconds to find out exactly how upset she is.
~ If you still believe that children are our future, make a visit to a mall.
~ Some people want a perfect relationship… I’d be happy with a cheeseburger that looks like the ones in commercials.
~ If you’re feeling down about yourself, it won’t help you to know that Honey Boo Boo makes more money than school teachers.
~ Each year an average of 10 people are killed by sharks while 100 people die being stepped on by cows. So where’s Cow Week, Discovery Channel?!
~ I joined a gym once. Twelve bystanders were injured… so much blood. Two people renounced their faith. And at night… I can still hear the treadmill screaming.
~ I find it kind of cruel that “stutter” has two syllables.
~ My moral compass just spins. And spins. And spins…
~ By the time anyone said anything worth writing down in the meetings at my last job, I’d usually already taken my pen apart and lost the spring.
~ I lost a very dear friend and drinking buddy in a tragic accident this weekend… he got his finger caught in a wedding band.
~ The Hickville Holler (Pop 2) Portrait Studio Backgrounds choices: 1. Autumn Leaves 2. Toenail Fungal Infection 3. Country Cabin 4. Alarmed Possum
~ I’m just grateful that I don’t have to draw on my eyebrows everyday because I would totally forget to do that.
~ My attention span is shorter than donuts are better with sprinkles.
~ I just saw a video of a snake that learned to open doors. I probably don’t need to sleep anymore anyway.
~ If we could all just agree that we’re fine, we’d never again have to ask each other how we are.
~ My last job had started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism. I never failed…
~ What I lack in imagination I make up for in… stuff.
~ I’m at the age where an “all-nighter” means I didn’t have to get up to pee.
~ I’m already an idiot… all I need is a village.
~ I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
~ So today OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door… so I changed all of the locks.
~ The first person to ever call me a psycho was Lorraine from high school. Height 5’4, coffin size 84 by 28 by 23.
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) finally got a “Brazilian”. He seems very nice.
~ People that pronounce vase like “voz” make me want to punch them in the foz.
~ I saw some ducks practicing their teenage girl faces down by the pond today.
~ I have said it before and I will say it again… if anyone is into wife swapping, I will take a dirtbike or a shotgun. Hit me up.
~ It’s not my job to judge other people. It’s more of a hobby, really.
~ If by “well-endowed” you mean I have a lot of money, then no, that doesn’t describe me… either.
~ These days opportunity texts “I’m here” from the driveway… because nobody knocks anymore.
~ I don’t normally gamble, but I do get strip mall Chinese food sometimes.
~ Everyone knows someone in real life that actually resembles a garden gnome.