~ If you ever need to discipline your kids privately for making fun of people in Wal*Mart, the toothbrush aisle is almost always empty.
~ I’m done learning new things until someone can prove to me that we won’t have Google forever.
~ The only way I’d be interested in “leg day at the gym” is if it meant they were serving fried chicken.
~ Yesterday I ate a restaurant and the food was so bad… my tapeworm asked to see the manager.
~ I’m thinking of becoming an evil genius. So far I can only see one stumbling block.
~ Even with a busy schedule, I always find time for critical thinking errors.
~ For my next trick, pay close attention as I transform this bottle of Jack Daniels into a fat lip and an arrest for public intoxication.
~ I can fail to satisfy you in ways you never even knew existed.
~ I can’t diet because it would devastate the local fast food economy, and frankly, I just don’t think I could live with that kind of guilt.
~ Calm down mechanic guy… I’m just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other crap that’s wrong with my truck I’d turn the radio down.
~ Jack LaLanne died three years ago… and he’s still in better shape than I am.
~ I can ignore you so hard you will begin to doubt your own existence.
~ So I’m not sure if this lady at Wal*Mart was genuinely surprised at life in general or if that was just the way she plucked her eyebrows.
~ I got arrested last night for “Failure to Correctly Recite Alphabet Backwards.”
~ “… and on your left you see Fred in camo. On your right is Bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” (If Wal*Mart had tour guides).
~ Next year, I’m cutting back on moderation.
~ Our new welcome mat says, “Oh great! Not you again!”
~ So THESE are pistachios? And all this time I’ve been calling them wood clams.
~ Nobody in Wal*Mart thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
~ Little known musical trivia: If you play Stairway to Heaven backwards, it becomes Highway to Hell.
~ The “Skip Ad” countdown on YouTube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
~ I grew up poor, but then I found a thesaurus and now I’m impecunious.
~ I went by the Nursing Home and attached canes horizontally to dozens of walkers. Talk about the slowest jousting match ever…
~ An 8 year old boy was screaming at Wal*Mart because his mom wouldn’t buy him a Mars bar… so I bought one and ate it in front of him.
~ So the smoke detector is trying to tell me it’s battery is so dangerously low that it can only beep 4000 times?
~ You know you’ve had too much when the cat barks.
~ Be right back, this cop is insisting on reading me my Miranda Rights.
~ I’ve never been to jail, but I did get stuck in a pair of skinny jeans at Old Navy once.
~ While most don’t understand my particular kind of crazy, they do admire my commitment.
~ There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
~ My neighbor Marcel does a great bird impression… he eats worms.
~ Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves… and that’s where I come in.
~ If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor… so your shoes smell good, but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it.
~ I like to confuse my doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.