~ I hate looking for something that I can’t find because it’s where it’s supposed to be.
~ Did you know how there were like, sixteen different Lassies? Same EXACT deal with Punky Brewster… according to this Wikipedia page I just edited.
~ I’m adventurous until I find out the adventure starts after 10pm, because seriously, I’m old and I gotta go to bed.
~ I just realized that too many of my stories end with “… and that’s why I’m not allowed to go back in there anymore.”
~ My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
~ So OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) made my egg whites with Swiss cheese instead of cheddar like I wanted… so you could say I know a little bit about abusive relationships.
~ So it turns out those miniature liquor bottles aren’t for babies and now my niece says I can’t be the Godfather.
~ I’m not sure what OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) needs more, a nap or an exorcism.
~ If you’ve wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
~ Freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door.
~ If anyone out there has only one leg, I have a ton of socks you can have.
~ When I don’t have anything nice to say, I say it sarcastically.
~ I’m not a procrastinator… I’m just extremely productive at unimportant things.
~ So my neighbor has converted and become Jewish… but only because he likes the way the little hat covers his bald spot.
~ Every bad decision I’ve ever made in life has involved a bottle, a woman, or a goat.
~ My favorite Christmas Spirit is Jack Daniels…
~ Whenever I go into a Wal*Mart, I hold my breath and pretend I’m swimming at the bottom of the gene pool.
~ It doesn’t take 140 characters to say I love you. Unless you babble on… and on… and on… about it.
~ When it comes to sarcasm, you can count on me to give 110%.
~ I have nothing in common with anyone who can sit through a 30 second YouTube ad.
~ You know that saying, “it’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all”? Yeah… that’s total crap.
~ I have the sleeping habits of a rotisserie chicken on meth.
~ My favorite part about getting out of bed in the morning is not getting out of bed in the morning.
~ Sorry for all the things I said before I drank my coffee.
~ The fact that no one understands me doesn’t mean I’m an artist.
~ I decided to start the mower for the 1st time this year just to see if it would run. After 36 pulls I passed out. When I came to, the yard had crop circles and Bernie-the Wonder-Dog had a Mohawk.
~ I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
~ I only watch Storage Wars to see if they find that body I hid. Just kidding… I like the show. And it’s buried in the woods.
~ I bought a used UPS truck today. It gets poor gas mileage, but I can park anywhere.
~ My tweets are so boring the NSA unfollowed me.
~ I’ve learned OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) doesn’t mind me flirting with other women. She finds the rejection quite entertaining.
~ If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and then dig it out of the trash.
~ When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) always said she liked surprises, but when I wake her up late at night dressed as a clown, it’s all screaming and crying.